September 06, 2017

Eric: I don't know if you meant to, but you're really coming off as...

Hunter: Yiddish?

Eric: Yeah, the character's totally coming off as Yiddish.

James: She can't be Jewish. She gave me a PORK sandwich!
Eric: You can tell it's a space bodega. Just look: it's got a bodega cat-monkey.
Ryan: "Whatcha need?"

Eric: "We're here on business."

Hunter: "We seek to find a gang and crush them before grilling them for information."

James: "And maybe a pork sandwich?"
Jason: It's like the movie Bio-Dome, except with undead. And geese.
Karen: So what happens to the thirteen girls this guy had turned into trees?

Hunter: Nine, now.

Karen: Oh yeah, my fireball...
::Talking about a regenerating villain::

Tom: Why don't we just pay a peasant to hit him with a stick every time he wakes up? It could become an ancestral hereditary job for some family.
::Talking about a regenerating villain::

Tom: Why don't we just pay a peasant to hit him with a stick every time he wakes up? It could become an ancestral hereditary job for some family.
::Talking about a regenerating villain::

Tom: Why don't we just pay a peasant to hit him with a stick every time he wakes up? It could become an ancestral hereditary job for some family.
::Talking about a regenerating villain::

Tom: Why don't we just pay a peasant to hit him with a stick every time he wakes up? It could become an ancestral hereditary job for some family.

July 19, 2017

Tom: Didn't we get some samurai to help us?

Hunter: They're stationed outside to catch any vampires that try to escape.

Tom: So they're helping story-wise but not in any meaningful way.
Jason: Wait a minute.  Just let the vampires leave; it's daylight outside.
Jason: I translate what the vampires are threatening and tell everyone to back away.

Dianne: I move in and Channel positive energy.

Hunter:  "Good" is a meaningless syllable to you people...
Hunter: You can't understand the language, but the gesturing makes it pretty clear the vampires are threatening to rip the hostage's throat out if you don't back away and let them pass.

Gavin: I advance on them.

Hunter: And you say you're good-aligned?
Gavin: I'm going to pick a fight with some samurai.

Tom: How the hell did your character survive this long in Dark Sun?

Gavin: He's part of a secret society.

Tom: Yeah, but one that would have killed him for constantly drawing attention to himself!
::Jason's animal companion Crist and kills an enemy, while Jason's character can't even manage to damage one::

Hunter: How do your cohorts always end up so much more awesome than your actual characters?
Tom: It's not a hearse, just a van for transporting dead bodies.
Jason: Elk don't HAVE morals! They're elk!

May 03, 2017

Tom: On a scale of 1-47, how enraged is your character?

John: All of it.
Tom: "So I am to challenge you for Fenrir's favor?"

Gavin: "No."

Tom: "No?"

Gavin: "You're not a challenge."
Tom: Back to the evil wizard...

Gavin: I never said I was evil.

Hunter: You didn't HAVE to!

April 08, 2017

Tom: "You have all that gold; can I get some?"

Hunter: "Did you kill the Dragon guarding it?"

Tom: "No?"

Hunter: "Then you already know the answer."
Dianne: What about all the gold in the boat? Can we fold up the boat with the gold in it? Does the magic work that way?

Tom: No, it's like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube that's covered in peanut butter; technically possible but in practice it's just going to make a mess.

February 23, 2017

Hunter: I dismiss my Evard's Black Tentacles.


John: I charge the elf.


Tom: The elf ceases to be violated by tentacles and is instead violated by John's axe.
Hunter: ::rolls large handful of damage dice::  Aww... That's not nearly as much as I wanted.


Tom: You just blew somebody's arm off and you're complaining about it not being a critical hit!
Hunter: We can't stop here. This is Elf country...
Tom: The seneschal tells you "If you need anything, hit this statue with the tiny mallet to summon me," then leaves.


Karen: I'm going to hit it to see what it does.


Tom: First it begins screaming, then turns into a gnome who cries "I will fetch him!" and runs off.


Karen: Cool! I guess I should think of something to ask for when he gets back.
Tom: "I have a scheme long in the making, which I will now pretentiously monologue about..."
Tom: Are you going to loot the place?


Hunter: He's a giant. Does he have anything valuable that's small enough for us to carry off?


Tom: Maybe a silver spoon you could sharpen and use as an axe.


John: ...Al right, I'm going back in.

February 11, 2017

Hunter: :: sigh:: I guess I'll go save Gavin.

Tom: Really? Why?
Tom: "Do you also wish to make a deal for power?"

Gavin: "What will you give me for the souls of my family?"

Hunter:...

Karen:...

Dianne:...really dude?
Tom: "Don't go down the left path. That's Bobmagog, not Gogmagog."
Hunter: No, my patron  Gogmagog. This guy is Agragog.

Jason: He's the Gog of Agriculture.

Tom: Agra-Grog is the Gog of fermentation.
Tom: You're selling your soul for a giant chicken?!

February 08, 2017

Dianne: What mojo is this dwarf chick laying down that she gets away with murdering every suitor who tries to marry her?!

Hunter: She walks around topless with gems braided in her nipple hair.

Karen: Jesus, dude...

Hunter: You're right. That's an unrealistic expectation of beauty and we shouldn't glorify it.
Jason: What about the band? Are they still playing?

John: They've probably pulled battleaxes out of their tubas, knowing this crowd.
Tom: "Being me his head after the ceremony and I'll pay you it's weight in gold."

Gavin: I cast "Enlarge" on the head...
Tom: (moving enemies on the grid) These two don't like Jay, this one doesn't like Karen, and this one doesn't like Dianne.

John: And none of them like vegetables.
Hunter: "How did this guy smash your house to bits?"

Tom: "Henchmen. And some dogs."

Karen: "What kind of dogs?"

Hunter: Dire Pugs. Does it really matter?

January 28, 2017

Tom: One of the creatures is in front of you. It does not look happy.

John: I deal 27 damage to it.

Tom: It will no longer feel happy or sad ever again.
Hunter: You're really doing this?

Patrick: Hey, a goblin is arguably better than a hag.

Hunter: At least a hag can change her appearance to look like whatever you desire.

Patrick: Yeah, but she won't.
Tom: You're pretty sure the goblin is flirting with you.

Patrick: A'ight.

Dianne: Seriously? After all that fuss over the hag?

January 13, 2017

Tom: There are spellbooks here, most of them bound in human skin.

Gavin: (playing a new character) "Excellent work on some of these..."

Hunter: "I'm sorry, but the position of bug-fuck creepy weirdo has already been filled in this party."
Tom: You see a sod house on top of the hill, built to hag size.

Gavin: If Finn were here he could tell us if it were the place.

Dianne: You know, his character is also an accomplished wizard and scholar...

Hunter: But you fuck one hag...

January 06, 2017

Hunter: The Hex spell lets me deal an additional 1d6 necrotic damage with every hit.

Jason: Give her necrotizing fasciitis!

Tom: Damn necrophiliac fascists!
Jason: "Oxidation beast?" You mean a Rust Monster with the serial numbers filled off?
Hunter: Show me on the mini where the bad hag touched you...
Tom: Lightning strikes two of the ravenfolk.

Patrick: Oh no! Flying types are weak against electric attacks!
Tom: What's your spell do?

Hunter: It creates a sphere of blackness from the depths of space that deals 2d6 cold damage to any creature that starts its turn in the radius, and if a creature ends its turn in the radius they have to make a Dex save or take 2d6 acid as tentacles from beyond space and time creepily cares them.

Dianne: And you're sure you're on our side?
Tom: "To speak with us you would be better to seek the path through Dark Alfheim rather than try to pierce the defenses  Light Alfheim."

Hunter: "And where would I find such a path?"

Tom: "Seek where the dwarves once dwelt."

Hunter: "Oh goody. Stream powered robots and Morlock elves."

Tom: "Wrong plane of existence."
Dianne: Is Patrick coming?

Gavin: Which one?

Hunter: Patrick-Patrick or Finn the Hag-fucker?

Dianne: Yes.