Dianne: "Do you feel any different with the collar on?"
Tom: "It says it's magic."
Dianne: "Can you take it off?"
Tom: "Any time I want."
Dianne: "How about now?"
Tom: "... I don't want to."
I, like many people of the Geek and Nerd persuasion, play tabletop roleplaying games. We are a strange bunch, and the things we say during these sessions are strong evidence to that fact. What most people don't know is that we also tend to be hilarious.
December 14, 2017
Hunter: A voice in your head tells you to put the collar on.
Tom: Okay. I'll start to put the collar on. "This thing is telepathic or something."
John: "Do you always listen to voices in your head?"
Karen: "He's got a bag of crazy cats instead of a brain. How could this be any worse than his other ideas?"
Tom: Okay. I'll start to put the collar on. "This thing is telepathic or something."
John: "Do you always listen to voices in your head?"
Karen: "He's got a bag of crazy cats instead of a brain. How could this be any worse than his other ideas?"
Karen: Oh. You changed back into you?
Jason: Yes! I need armor! There are 15 werewolves!
Jason: Yes! I need armor! There are 15 werewolves!
Jason: I'm going to buy baubles and jewelry to help make us look like we're skilled at trade and talk instead of stupid and bad at all people skills.
Karen: That was a lot of work for a result of "you can't do shit."
Hunter: Neither of you notice anything until a raspy voice whispers menacingly in Orthar's ear: "What are you doing here?"
Tom: "Uh... Keeping watch?"
Tom: "Uh... Keeping watch?"
Jason: I'm going to re-consecrate this temple to the most obscure good I can think of.
Tom: Dedicate it to a swamp good.
Hunter: Do you even HAVE the consecrate spell on your spell list?
Jason: I don't need the consecrate spell to change the iconography.
Tom: Dedicate it to a swamp good.
Hunter: Do you even HAVE the consecrate spell on your spell list?
Jason: I don't need the consecrate spell to change the iconography.
September 06, 2017
Jason: It's like the movie Bio-Dome, except with undead. And geese.
Karen: So what happens to the thirteen girls this guy had turned into trees?
Hunter: Nine, now.
Karen: Oh yeah, my fireball...
Hunter: Nine, now.
Karen: Oh yeah, my fireball...
::Talking about a regenerating villain::
Tom: Why don't we just pay a peasant to hit him with a stick every time he wakes up? It could become an ancestral hereditary job for some family.
Tom: Why don't we just pay a peasant to hit him with a stick every time he wakes up? It could become an ancestral hereditary job for some family.
::Talking about a regenerating villain::
Tom: Why don't we just pay a peasant to hit him with a stick every time he wakes up? It could become an ancestral hereditary job for some family.
Tom: Why don't we just pay a peasant to hit him with a stick every time he wakes up? It could become an ancestral hereditary job for some family.
::Talking about a regenerating villain::
Tom: Why don't we just pay a peasant to hit him with a stick every time he wakes up? It could become an ancestral hereditary job for some family.
Tom: Why don't we just pay a peasant to hit him with a stick every time he wakes up? It could become an ancestral hereditary job for some family.
::Talking about a regenerating villain::
Tom: Why don't we just pay a peasant to hit him with a stick every time he wakes up? It could become an ancestral hereditary job for some family.
Tom: Why don't we just pay a peasant to hit him with a stick every time he wakes up? It could become an ancestral hereditary job for some family.
July 19, 2017
Tom: Didn't we get some samurai to help us?
Hunter: They're stationed outside to catch any vampires that try to escape.
Tom: So they're helping story-wise but not in any meaningful way.
Hunter: They're stationed outside to catch any vampires that try to escape.
Tom: So they're helping story-wise but not in any meaningful way.
Jason: Wait a minute. Just let the vampires leave; it's daylight outside.
Jason: I translate what the vampires are threatening and tell everyone to back away.
Dianne: I move in and Channel positive energy.
Hunter: "Good" is a meaningless syllable to you people...
Dianne: I move in and Channel positive energy.
Hunter: "Good" is a meaningless syllable to you people...
Gavin: I'm going to pick a fight with some samurai.
Tom: How the hell did your character survive this long in Dark Sun?
Gavin: He's part of a secret society.
Tom: Yeah, but one that would have killed him for constantly drawing attention to himself!
Tom: How the hell did your character survive this long in Dark Sun?
Gavin: He's part of a secret society.
Tom: Yeah, but one that would have killed him for constantly drawing attention to himself!
::Jason's animal companion Crist and kills an enemy, while Jason's character can't even manage to damage one::
Hunter: How do your cohorts always end up so much more awesome than your actual characters?
Hunter: How do your cohorts always end up so much more awesome than your actual characters?
May 03, 2017
Tom: On a scale of 1-47, how enraged is your character?
John: All of it.
John: All of it.
Tom: "So I am to challenge you for Fenrir's favor?"
Gavin: "No."
Tom: "No?"
Gavin: "You're not a challenge."
Gavin: "No."
Tom: "No?"
Gavin: "You're not a challenge."
Tom: Back to the evil wizard...
Gavin: I never said I was evil.
Hunter: You didn't HAVE to!
Gavin: I never said I was evil.
Hunter: You didn't HAVE to!
April 08, 2017
Tom: "You have all that gold; can I get some?"
Hunter: "Did you kill the Dragon guarding it?"
Tom: "No?"
Hunter: "Then you already know the answer."
Hunter: "Did you kill the Dragon guarding it?"
Tom: "No?"
Hunter: "Then you already know the answer."
February 23, 2017
Tom: The seneschal tells you "If you need anything, hit this statue with the tiny mallet to summon me," then leaves.
Karen: I'm going to hit it to see what it does.
Tom: First it begins screaming, then turns into a gnome who cries "I will fetch him!" and runs off.
Karen: Cool! I guess I should think of something to ask for when he gets back.
Karen: I'm going to hit it to see what it does.
Tom: First it begins screaming, then turns into a gnome who cries "I will fetch him!" and runs off.
Karen: Cool! I guess I should think of something to ask for when he gets back.
February 11, 2017
Tom: "Don't go down the left path. That's Bobmagog, not Gogmagog."
February 08, 2017
Dianne: What mojo is this dwarf chick laying down that she gets away with murdering every suitor who tries to marry her?!
Hunter: She walks around topless with gems braided in her nipple hair.
Karen: Jesus, dude...
Hunter: You're right. That's an unrealistic expectation of beauty and we shouldn't glorify it.
Hunter: She walks around topless with gems braided in her nipple hair.
Karen: Jesus, dude...
Hunter: You're right. That's an unrealistic expectation of beauty and we shouldn't glorify it.
Tom: "Being me his head after the ceremony and I'll pay you it's weight in gold."
Gavin: I cast "Enlarge" on the head...
Gavin: I cast "Enlarge" on the head...
Tom: (moving enemies on the grid) These two don't like Jay, this one doesn't like Karen, and this one doesn't like Dianne.
John: And none of them like vegetables.
John: And none of them like vegetables.
January 28, 2017
January 13, 2017
Tom: You see a sod house on top of the hill, built to hag size.
Gavin: If Finn were here he could tell us if it were the place.
Dianne: You know, his character is also an accomplished wizard and scholar...
Hunter: But you fuck one hag...
Gavin: If Finn were here he could tell us if it were the place.
Dianne: You know, his character is also an accomplished wizard and scholar...
Hunter: But you fuck one hag...
January 06, 2017
Hunter: The Hex spell lets me deal an additional 1d6 necrotic damage with every hit.
Jason: Give her necrotizing fasciitis!
Tom: Damn necrophiliac fascists!
Jason: Give her necrotizing fasciitis!
Tom: Damn necrophiliac fascists!
Jason: "Oxidation beast?" You mean a Rust Monster with the serial numbers filled off?
Hunter: Show me on the mini where the bad hag touched you...
Tom: What's your spell do?
Hunter: It creates a sphere of blackness from the depths of space that deals 2d6 cold damage to any creature that starts its turn in the radius, and if a creature ends its turn in the radius they have to make a Dex save or take 2d6 acid as tentacles from beyond space and time creepily cares them.
Dianne: And you're sure you're on our side?
Hunter: It creates a sphere of blackness from the depths of space that deals 2d6 cold damage to any creature that starts its turn in the radius, and if a creature ends its turn in the radius they have to make a Dex save or take 2d6 acid as tentacles from beyond space and time creepily cares them.
Dianne: And you're sure you're on our side?
Tom: "To speak with us you would be better to seek the path through Dark Alfheim rather than try to pierce the defenses Light Alfheim."
Hunter: "And where would I find such a path?"
Tom: "Seek where the dwarves once dwelt."
Hunter: "Oh goody. Stream powered robots and Morlock elves."
Tom: "Wrong plane of existence."
Hunter: "And where would I find such a path?"
Tom: "Seek where the dwarves once dwelt."
Hunter: "Oh goody. Stream powered robots and Morlock elves."
Tom: "Wrong plane of existence."
Dianne: Is Patrick coming?
Gavin: Which one?
Hunter: Patrick-Patrick or Finn the Hag-fucker?
Dianne: Yes.
Gavin: Which one?
Hunter: Patrick-Patrick or Finn the Hag-fucker?
Dianne: Yes.
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