August 28, 2013

Hunter: "Are you going to do something disgusting again?"

Ernie: "... No!"
Eric: "We didn't want to drive out the dwarves, but evil things have taken over our homes."

Chris M: "I don't speak giant.  What is he saying?"

Tom: "Something about real estate."
David: He's a big man.  With big swords.

Hunter: It's not the size that counts.
Hunter: "Once we claim this territory we're hiring some dwarf sappers to cave this place in."

Erin: "Why?"

Hunter: "It's called the Hunger Dark. It can't be in any way good."

Erin: "We could clean it out and rename it."

Hunter: "Like what?"

Erin: "We can call this crevice the Happy Cleft!"

Hunter: "..."

Erin: "What?"
Erin: "But I have to protect you!"

Hunter: "That's Kull's job."

Erin: "... he's not doing a good job.  You're fairly depraved."

Nick S: "Hey!  I only protect him from physical threats.  Whatever he does to himself is not my problem."
Eric: The mages stand up and open their robes, releasing a noxious shroud.

Hunter: What, did they eat Taco Bell before the battle?
John: Are there any clan marking on these guys?

Hunter: Well, they all have white robes and hoods...
Eric: "You have to pay the toll to pass."

Dianne: "What is the toll?  Do you accept currency in the manner of 'Not killing you'?"
Jason: "I see subtlety will not be this group's strong point."

Tom: "Says the man with the flaming horse."
Eric: What you learn about their recent history is that they've lost 60% of their population due to wars over the past few decades and another is brewing.

Tom: Maybe we should be sending them Poli-Sci majors and diplomats instead of mercenaries...
Hunter: I'm a dwarven monk.  A drunken master to be precise.

Eric: So a normal dwarven monk?

Hunter: You RACIST.
Hunter: "Why are you here?"

David: "We were told to guard the sword."

Nick S: "You mean this one?"

David: "Obviously we failed."
David: He shouts "I give up!"

Donna: Kill him anyway!

Hunter: You're Lawful Good.

Donna: Dammit!
Nick S: "I'm not doing that; it has deep spiritual significance to me."

David: Are you talking about cutting off your penis?

Nick S: No!

Ernie: Just the tip.

Nick S: NO!
Hunter: "So you're just helping me become king so you can kill me and usurp my throne?"

Nick S: "Or until I find a Linnorm to slay single-handedly."

Hunter: "... Maybe you should leave..."
Nick S: Shouldn't that second elemental have tried to grab me?

David: Oh!  Right!

Hunter: Why would you help him?

Nick S: Live by the rules, die by the rules.
Eric: No means no.

Hunter: Except when it means yes.

Jason: But then "Bananas means no.

Tom: What?

Eric: I think that's his safe word.
Dianne: Well, since tomorrow is Frank's birthday, and Friday is mine, and I have this gently used cake...
Ernie: "I have some tuna for you."

David: "I'm not a real cat."

Ernie: "It's not real tuna?"
Ernie: My flesh turns into a swarm of fleas and climbs onto the giant eagle.

Nick S: "That's the creepiest thing I've seen all day."

Ernie: A swarm of spiders will carry my bones up there.

Nick S: "I take it back.  That's the creepiest thing I've seen all day."
Nick S: Normal, logical people don't become adventurers.

Ernie: Normal people have Intelligence scores of 10.  If they're logical, we're way past that.  We flipped off Logic in the rearview mirror.
Frank: So now that the bad guy has me, I assume I'm being turned into a zombie...

Eric: Oh no.  Nothing that easy and non-sadistic.

Frank: Well shit.
Tom: So there's a horde of zombies shuffling through self-checkout?

Eric: Past the Customer Service desk where all the self help books and keychains are.

Hunter: It's really creepy when one picks up a book and reads the back cover, then puts it back and resumes shuffling and moaning.
Frank: "I can't do much or talk 'cause the zombies are nearby."

Hunter: Can't talk, zombies will eat me.
Frank: I turn on my flashlight.

Tom: Surprise!  You're still at Home Depot.

Eric: You get swarmed by a pack of Mexicans.
Hunter: "You're a wizard!  Why are you buying fireworks?!"

Dianne: "Because it's fun!"
Eric: Hey, I have social skills!

Tom: Is that why you attacked the Fomor emissary when he came to parlay?
Eric: Eli's the only one who can ask for my sandwich.

Hunter: Then give me your milkshake!

Jason: But he needs it to bring all the boys to his yard.

August 27, 2013

Frank: "Is me shooting him calming him down?"
Chris M: "If you find children, leave them where they are, unless they're in danger then remove them from the building and come help us."

Amanda: "But I can only fly if I'm carrying a young child."

Chris M: "That's really... I don't..." Where is that defect in the book?
Bryan: I'm going to drive around the legs of the giant as I fire a grappling arrow at his leg.

Chris M: Are you Hoth-ing this giant?

Bryan: I am totally Hoth-ing this giant.
Chris M: "How many arrows did you put in him?"

Bryan: "How many legs does he have?"
Bryan: I gave up sweet ramps for Lent.
Phil: Once you [Amanda] are away from the bad guys, you could hide and he'd never find you.

Eli: To be fair, I could hide and you would never find me.

Chris M: No, we could; all we'd have to do is listen for the sounds of children crying and people being offended.
Eric: Somehow I thought you said they raid Apple Stores.  I was picturing a horse going into one and saying "There are no apples here!" then just smashing everything.
Bryan: This got gross fast, like at the speed of projectile vomit.
Chris M: He's not really a goblin; he's two really small midgets inside a slightly larger midget suit.
Phil: "You're part of our troupe, sir!  You're our archer!"

Bryan: "Yes.  What do you want me to arch?"
Eric: If you're having boss problems I feel bad for you son.  I got 99 problems but your death ain't one.

Chris M: I hate you so much.

August 26, 2013

Tom: You want me to tell you what my elf eyes see?

Hunter: Since when did you have elf eyes?

Tom: Since I took them from an elf, obviously.
Eli: My brain read that grape soda as "grapple flavored".

Eric: It's going to wrestle the thirst out of you.
Eric: "Why does everything happen at the park?"

Eli: "Vulture, do you know anything about this tree full of kids?"

Amanda: "Shhhhhhh!"
Eli: "We need Tiki to hit her really hard.  Right in the lady parts."
Eli: "Why are we putting dogs in tupperware?"

Bryan: "To keep them fresh for later, obviously."
Phil: He starts screaming.

Eric: Is it surprised screaming or injured screaming?

Bryan: Or is it "I need an adult" screaming?
Dianne: "Did you just say True Love 'beats off' White Court vampires?"

Hunter: ::sigh:: "God dammit I did."

Chris: "We're trying to figure out how to kill vampires and you tell us how to make their day better."
Tom: "I believe in God the same way I believe in France; they both exist but I don't see how that affects ME in any way."
Charlie: "Where is your brother, dwarf?"

Tom: "Which one?"

Hunter: The short one with the beard.
Hunter: You have downtime.  Talk amongst yourselves.

Frank: "Talky talky gabba gabba?"

Jerry: "I can't handle such deep conversation."
Hunter: If I convinced my wife to play RPGs we'd have to play something else, because she's not into superheroes.

Frank: Well to be fair we're not really superheroes.  We're kind of jerks and... kind of jerks.
Nick: Is your character going to get drunk before the joust?  Because that would be AWESOME.
Hunter: Who has a Cure spell prepared?  Because that was a BURN.
Hunter: I only need a 5 to succeed.  ::fails:: God Dammit.
David: A green dragon drops her spell of invisibility and attacks.

Nick S: Scandal!  It's almost as if she were EVIL or something!

Hunter: Greens are LAWFUL evil!  They're supposed to follow the rules!

Amanda: Her rule seems to be "Cheat."

Hunter: Well damn.
Tom: "Ram one of your drones into an exhaust vent!"

Eric: "I'm not sacrificing a 15,000 nuyen drone for this!"

Tom: "Where's your dedication to the run?"

Karen: "Where's his dedication? You were the one whining about having to waste an arrow!"
Eric: I'm going to roll to figure out where the chopper's vital systems are.

Tom: That's easy: Under the armor plating.
Frank: I'd comment on damaging the Johnson's package, but I don't think it would be taken so well...
Eric: "We could blow the sewers to block egress, but I don't want to damage the product."

Tom: "All of that just sounds wrong."
Frank: Can I roll dodge to avoid this conversation?
Jerry: The more you don't want to know...

Frank: The more you repress.
Jerry: I want to open a sandwich shop that also sells Indian food and call it The New Delhi.
Jerry: We are terrible people.

Jason: And worse fungi.
Ernie: "Ever notice how barbarians are always bragging about things everyone expects them to do? "I can read!"  Bitch you SHOULD be able to read!"
Hunter: How do you think I keep my wife happy?

Ernie; Shutting up and letting her spend the money?
Ernie: Guys put their dice down their pants to make them roll better.

Nick S: Um... No we don't.
Hunter: Don't judge me!

Nick S: Too late.
Eric: "I can't believe it's not butter!"

Tom: "Why not?  It says 'Soylent Yellow' on the side of the tub!"
John: You can go astral, but that leaves your body comatose.

Tom: We'll just shove her unconscious body in the windowless van.

Hunter: Because THAT didn't sound creepy at ALL...
John: They let everyone go but you.

Charlie: Because I was honest.

John: Because you're under arrest!
John: "Are you an investigator?"

Charlie: "Yes."

John: "What company do you work for?  Show me your license."

Charlie: "No."

John: "Why?"

Charlie: "I don't have one."

John: "Uh-huh."
John: "Are you willing to undergo some more thorough interrogation techniques?"

Karen: "I'm not up to being mind-raped by a weird machine, if that's what you're asking."
John: This ork is not long for this world.

Dianne: He has a red shirt, doesn't he?

John: After bleeding so much, yes.
David: You can't use Reincarnate on Donna's character because she was turned into an undead.

Donna: What?!

Nick S: Don't worry; we have your back.

Donna: You cut me in half!

Nick: We have your front, too.
Donna: You killed my character!

Hunter: Start crying!  If reddit has taught me anything it's that DMs cannot resist the tears of a female gamer and will save their characters from death!

David: She's my wife; I've developed an immunity to her tears.
David: The bones are moving slowly...

Nick S: "Maybe... maybe it's just happy little ants moving the bones.  Or puppies!  Happy puppies who found the biggest bones ever!"

Hunter: "If it's puppies, then they're hell hound puppies and the only bones they're going to eat are ours."
David: You fall into the lake of acid.

Nick: That's 10d6 damage a round, and we can't NOT fall in!

David: The module lists this as an appropriate encounter for a level 8 party.

Nick: It LIED!
Donna: Critical failure.

David: ::draws a card:: "Whiff: The attack deals damage to you instead of the target."

Nick S: That's not a whiff, that's a wham!
Nick S: So now what? We present our green scales or it shoots acid lasers at us?

Hunter: Don't give the DM ideas.
Hunter: "Don't step in the circle; it has a strong magical aura I haven't been able to discern."

Nick S: "What?"

Hunter: "It'll do stuff to you.  I don't know what."

Nick S: "There ya go."
Eric: If this gets any worse I'll have to use Lay On Hands on myself.

Eli: If you start touching yourself you'll never prove you aren't enjoying this.
Eric: You can still cast spells while on your back.

Charlie: That makes sense; the most magical women I've ever known were on their backs at the time...
Hunter: It gives you a bad touch.

Eric: There are no safe words in Uncle Touchy's basement.
Hunter: "Return whence you came, monster!"

Nick S: "I'll return you to your grave!"

David: "But we're alive, not undead..."

Nick S: "I've been locked away for decades.  Shut up!"
Brett: "If the water turns red, it means 'Help Me'."
Brett: "No, no.  The bartender fell down.  That's what we're telling the watch."
Nick S: "We'll cut up the rabbit and share.  Two of us each get a leg, and one of us gets the thorax."

Brett: "I don't think I want to eat a rabbit with a thorax."
Brett: Yes, I'm sure this will run like clockwork, except this will be a murder-clock oiled by the blood of heroes.

August 23, 2013

Rick: I can cast Resist Energy, not Resist Pirates.
Aaron: "This man was shot."

Ian: "He pulled a gun on me."
Rick: He's a noble; he gets money.  I'm a pirate; I get to spit on people.
Nick S: Running away is for pansies! I turn INVISIBLE before running away.
Rick: Statistically speaking I'm much more likely to lie better than I hid.
Jonathen: You've had to kill every ninja master you've ever had.

Rick: I didn't HAVE to kill them.
Brett: Rachel, don't pamper the Lord of Death.
Brett: That's the thing about evil friends.  They aren't friends.
Nick S: "What happened to being greedy but loyal?"

Jonathen: "I lied.  I'm also a liar."
Alex: The ooze seems sad.

Jonathen: I'll put some arrows in it to cheer it up.
Rachel: You mean the paparazzi aren't opera singers?
Ian: Hey!  I don't remember installing a self-destruct in those goblins!
Nick: "Can you put this somewhere it can't be scryed on?"

Matt: "Sure.  We have a special container for that."

Nathan: ::throws item in the fireplace::
Rick: "I see you have a potion there.  I could greatly use that potion.  Do you have any need for it?"

Jonathen: "Well actually..."

Rick: "How about you hand over that damn potion and not answer that question?"
Nick S: We looted him?  When did we loot him?

Brett: No, I preemptively looted him for when we loot him later.
Ian: Juntao has done this before.

Jonathen: Exploded?!
Ian: "He was attacking me, so of course I had to respond."

Jonathen: "He attacked you while unconscious and on the floor?"
Jonathen: You did kill one of Dracos' clerics in cold blood, then sold his soul to a devil.  Then blamed Dracos himself for it.

Rick: Well, I promise to never do it again.
Jonathen: Rick, you hear a voice in your head.

Rick: "Oh no.  Not again."

Jonathen: "Insolent fool!  Who do you serve?"

Rick: "Who may I ask is calling?"
Jonathen: "Die, motherfu- I mean, Hail, Glorious Leader."
Dana: I have Deflect Arrows.

Nathan: Well, you got hit 19 times.  Get crackin'.
Jonathen: "He was planning to blow up the hotel we were in."

NPC: "Why?!"

Jonathen: "He though he might have to kill a guy inside.  ONE GUY."
Rick: For some reason, and I can't believe I'm saying this right now, I'm not worried about the dragon.
Adrian: "I swore on the souls of my family."

BretT: "I hope your family knows you're a madman who's sent them all to hell."
Jonathen: My guy never forgets.  How am I going to explain that I forgot to pay these guys?
Jonathen: "All other forms of persuasion have failed.  Send in Frankie."

Jon: "All right!  You have until the count of three to answer all my questions or I start cutting off your fingers!  One!  Two! THR-"

Jonathen: "Frankie wait!!  You didn't ask him anything yet!"
NPC: "Come out with your hands up!"

John: "I'm performing surgery at the moment!  Can you come back in five minutes?"

Rick: I would comply, but I only have one hand right now and can't.
Nick: I rolled a 4, a 4, and another 4.

Matt: So you rolled an 8.
John: I never hung body parts from the ceiling!

Nick S: Just because you made a new character sheet doesn't mean you can change the past.
John: No, it's what I do AFTER I murder them that makes me a pervert.
John: I pull out, like, two tens and say "Maybe my friends whoever these presidents are can help you remember."
Jonathen: "Is Carl still alive?"

John: "Let me check." ::gunshot:: "No."

Jonathen: "Hello?  Is this Emmett?"
Brett: "You're not trustworthy!  You sold your soul for a sword!"

Nick S: "Pretty sweet sword, though."
Nick S: Your party members are being slaughtered and you're looting my corpse.  God I want to stab you.
Nick S: Torture is not a social skill!
Nick S: She's a paladin; she doesn't care about glory.

Jonathen: She's not a paladin.

Nick S: Well okay then.
Jonathen: You're not in DC; you don't kill each other over shoes.
Nick S: Is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?  I really hope its a lightsaber...
Jonathen: Are those Jedi pants?  'Cuz your Force is outta this world.
Eric: I'm not even bloodied.

Frank: Shut up you... you tank!
Frank: No one likes him anyway; he has a stupid hat.
Hunter: Don't mind the paladin if he sticks his hand down his pants to lay on hands.

John: If he sticks his hand down YOUR pants, he's Catholic.
Eric: You take 40 emotional damage, 10 crying damage ongoing, and alcoholism.  Save ends.
Coley: "You're very pretty for a dwarf man."
Eric: Did the kobold just dismiss a dragon?

Eli: Yes.  Yes I did.
Eli: Rick is going to drunkenly ride a brahmin.  "I have a steed!  His name is Bill!"

Chris M: "If he's a dude, why does Bill have tits?"

Eli: "I have a steed!  HER name is Bill!"
Eric: You shoot him in the dick again and he dies.
Eric: I need you to make a Vigor roll to avoid catching fire.

Chris M: This could end up awesome since Frank's carrying all the explosives.

::one failed vigor roll later::

Chris M: You can just tell us we're dead.  You don't have to do the math.

Eric: ::rolls handfuls of dice over and over:: Yes I do.
Jason: "I'm sorry ma'am.  We're from the future and we have to kill you to save reality."
Luke: I'm going to slap him on the ass and give him a thumbs up as I skip away, because no one suspects a gay spy.

Hunter: You don't have to be flamboyant to be gay.

Luke: Right.  You can be a bear.

August 21, 2013

Chris: "We've all done interesting things."

Jason: "I murdered the universe."

Phil: "And now we're going to undo the one cool thing you did."

Eric: To be fair, it was Leroy that landed the killing blow.

Hunter: Jason started it!
Hunter: "Of course I'd like to save all of existence.  It's where I keep my stuff."
Hunter: "I think this means you owe Petrov some respect, Rick, because if this Guardian of Eternity thing is correct he murdered all of Time."

Chris M: "That IS pretty impressive."

Phil: "He didn't do it alone!"
Eli: "What the hell's a Canada?"

Hunter: "Canada use to be America's hat."

Eli: "No, Abe Lincoln was America's hat."
Chris M: "If you can control time and space, how can there be more pressing matters?"

Eric: "I was being facetious, you ass."
Eric: "I am a being of thought and energy.  I do not have a mother."

Chris M: "Not after what I did to her!"
Eli: "Who carries a briefcase around?"

Eric: "I dunno! Businessmen!"

Luke: "Who carries a briefcase in Old Town?"

Eric: "Somebody who wants to get robbed."
Phil: He doesn't look like someone addicted to drugs, but then you turn around and he's injecting cocaine directly into his eyeballs.
Jason: I'm going to roll to not be Shaken anymore.

Eli: Like a baby.

Jason: You can't unshake a baby.
Frank: "We love you Petrov, you magnificent bastard."

Eli: "No we don't."

Frank: "I love you."

Eli: "No."

Frank: "We hate you Petrov.  You make me vomit!"

Eli: "Took it a little far there."
Eli: "I haven't been to Reno since that time with Elvis."

Chris M: "Elvis has been dead for over 200 years."

Phil: (playing an alien) "Elvis is FINE. We've been treating him FINE."
Eric: You shake her.

Eli: Like a baby!

Thomas: I was going to say like a Polaroid picture.

Chris M: Babies are more fun.
Eric: The robed ones are all in a corner where Leroy threw them during the battle.

Hunter: "I put them in time out!"
Eli: I don't like how calm Eric is about this combat.

Hunter: I don't know about you guys, but I'll be fine.  Nobody eats Deathclaw.
Eli: "I'm from Vault 9."

Eric: "Never heard of it."

Eli: "Yeah, it's pretty underground."
Frank: Breakfast: The Tastening!

Eric: The new game from White Wolf.

Hunter: Gordon Ramsey is the enemy coven leader.
Eli: Punchersize!  It's an exorcism where you punch the demons out.
Tom: I've used up all my dick jokes for the day.

Eli: You've used up all your daily dick jokes?

Nick S: Might have to start throwing out some encounter dick jokes.

Eli: Spend an action point for some extra dicks.

Chris: I knew a girl in high school like that.
Ann: Surprise sex is always good!

Charlie: Sometimes there's cake!
Luke: Nobody rapes cows.

Nick S: That you know of.  100% of cow rape goes unreported.
Eli: It's like surprise sex!

Chris: Except that instead of confetti it's lightning and pain.
Tom: "Nobody's asking you to eat the dragon, just to not watch while WE do."
Nick S: Kobold chili is mostly rats and botulism.

Chris: That's almost the exact same recipe as Taco Bell.
Eric: He's made of rage and hit points, loosely bound in leather.
Tom: Screw it.  I'll just buy whiskey.

Eli: But that won't keep you warm.

Tom: But I won't care.
Nick S: "What's your name again?"

Eli: "Kespeskix."

Nick S: "Your new name is Special K."
Charlie: Which one is Nick fighting?

Nick S: The giant one.

Charlie: New plan.  I'm not helping Nick.
Eric: The druid's Fortitude is "Bear."
Coley: I need to memorize my shit.

Elias: Language.

Coley: What?  It's in the Bible.
Eric: The robot runs forward at his top speed of... ::consults a sheet::

Frank: Ridiculously fast for a Protectron?
Eric: After Leroy's wild attack, three are dead and three more are Shaken.

Hunter: ...

Chris M: You know you want to say it.

Hunter: "Nobody eats Deathclaw."
Chris M: I would like to take this opportunity to tell her she is one ugly motherfucker.
Eric: You somehow manage to grapple both of them at once.  One is Shaken by the experience; the other is just surprised.
Frank: "I'm sorry, Hector."

Chris M: "It's Esteban."

Frank: "I don't care."
Eli: They were trying to make a virus beneficial.

Hunter: Don't they watch movies?!

Eli: All they had were propaganda films about how the Russians were bad.

Hunter: You mean the Chinese?

Eli: They're both in Asia!

Jason: And Communist.
Eric: He has a weakness to shots to the head.

Eli: I should hope so; he's a zombie.
Frank: He just got punched in his sense of smug satisfaction.
Eric: You see a rattlesnake about 25 feet long slither out of the pit.

Eli: I'm going to ride it.
Eric: The large group spots you, but only because you're standing next to the glowing ghoul.
Hunter: I'm going to run into the crowd of guys in front of Chuck like a little kid plowing through seagulls at the beach.
Eric: "Who is attacking my camp?!"

Frank: "Me!  Sorry!"
Eric: One of them spots you trying to sneak into camp.

Eli: ::puts a finger to his lips:: "Shhhhhh..."
Eric: You realize that even if you put the Stealth Boy on the Deathclaw it only lasts ten minutes, right?

Hunter: That's more than enough time to kill forty sleeping people.
Phil: How many are there?

Eric: Enough.  Shut up.
Eric: He shanks Leroy with a combat knife.

Chris M: Guy's got some balls.

Hunter: Not for long.
Eric: You miss with the Molotov.  Now there's just fire behind Leroy.

Chris M: Great.  You just gave him something to cook his food with.

Hunter: Cook?
Eric: You need to find a way to disable this bomb.

Hunter: "Will hitting it help?"

Everyone: "NO!"
Eli: "I have scorpion hands!"

Eric: "You stay away from my patients."

John: "Go ahead and test his patience, though."
Eric: "Whatever we have is yours for doing us this favor."

Eli: "I want a pony, and a train set, and..."

Chris: "Ignore him."
Eli: I play with one of the radscorpion claws.  "Feed Me, Seymour!"
Hunter: 19 damage.

Eric: You kill the Mother Scorpion.


Chris: This is going to be your catchphrase, isn't it?

August 19, 2013

John: "Watch out Leroy.  That thing might actually eat you."

Hunter: "Nobody eats Deathclaw."
Eli: "Look upon my work ye mighty, and despair!"

Jason: "I never should have slept with my sergeant's girlfriend..."
Eli: I built this character for Initiative.  And punching.
Nick S: "Can you track a spirit wolf?"

Charlie: "Don't know. No one's ever asked."

Hunter: "Someone just did!"
Tom: They look Irish, as if Ireland existed in D&D.

Chris M: So they're drunk?
Tom: He disappears in a puff of eldritch annoyance.
Eli: "How could you not tell me you were a superhero?!"

Phil: "How could you not tell me you were an alien power source?!"

Eli: "Are you on crack?"

Phil: "You know we can't afford that!"
Chris: I can just see their thought process now.

"He just offed two of us with one punch!"

"Then we'll attack him four at a time!"

"But he has two hands!"

"Well, fuck."
Eric: "Time for me to solder and weld."

Hunter: "But you're making a sandwich..."
Hunter: "The plan is this: You chuckleheads distract him while Newton wraps me in fucking SCIENCE!"
Tom: And why did this happen?

Hunter: Because comic books.

Tom: That sort of crap is illegal in Kentucky.
Jason: Also, Arabs are dicks.


Jason: I'm talking about the horse breed, you assholes.
Ernie: My turn?  I'm going to poop in an elevator, because shit's about to go down!
Hunter: "I don't plan on letting a harpy into my bed."

Ernie: "You don't always have a choice."

Eli: "That's why it's rape."
Eli: "So the harpy wants to sleep with you.  Just ignore the bird parts and focus on the lady parts."

Hunter "No."

David: "Would YOU want to have sex with a cloaca?"

Eli: "She has a MOUTH."

Hunter: "A mouth full of teeth designed to rend flesh."

Eli: "Look, Paladin, just take one for the team already."
Tom: "I do not believe you!  You do not have the wet, tangy smell of truth!"

Chris M: We're trying to be diplomatic and they're all "Nooooo! We're mushrooms!"
Eli: "I don't have time for this!"

Jerry: "Obviously you do; you're still here."
Eli: I just want to go home and wreak unholy vengeance upon those who exiled me."

Chris M: "You know, I was almost sympathizing with you."
Jason: We had to change his name to Richard Caravan, because somehow "Wagon" was just as offensive as "Dick".
Eli: Are you doing anything else?

Jerry: Unfortunately.
Eric: Junk man isn't a superhero.  Just a weirdo with a huge mustache.
Luke: "Can I have a crab butler?"

Chris M: "No.  Your crabular privileges have been revoked."
Chris: "The Man Out Of Time is busy giving tact lessons to Impact.  I'm pretty sure Hell has frozen over."
Hunter: "So, New Guy.  What did we learn from this?"

Phil: "Nothing?"

Hunter: "Sounds about right."
Jerry: "Aurix, we need you.  I can't tell you how much it pains me to say that."

Jason: "I love you too, Miracle."
Eli: Since when is your character English?

Luke: Well, I'm a tree man...
Chris M: "You're a tree-man.  Legal things are not your forte; Mulch, yes."
Chris: I'm the Chinese Hulk!

Jerry: Hulk make cheap goods?

Eli: You can calm him down but he'll just be angry again in an hour.
John: "That's your power?  You're cantankerous?"
Chris: "I wish I could just hold things.  I haven't had a cheeseburger in MONTHS."

Eli: How do you EAT?

Hunter: We've asked this question repeatedly.
Eli: Miracle kills him

Phil: That's three Horsemen so far!

Chris M: Look if we're just killing people on horseback and keeping count...
Eli: If you hit it hard enough, it turns into Sarah Jessica Parker.

Bryan: But it's already a horse!

Eli: She is a LADY, Bryan!

Jerry: A lady Horse.
Eli: How can I describe this so Miracle doesn't just fly head-first into a wall?

Jerry: I have acrobats.

Eli: You'll need a whole troop of them.

Jerry: I meant Acrobatics.
Hunter: "Get togged to the bricks and dangle, people!  This situation's all wet!"

Nick F: "What are you SAYING?!"
Hunter: "Tell that G-man if he wants to bump gums at me he'll have to hoof it here and flash his buzzer."

Bryan: "I honestly have no idea what you just said."
Eli: "If you're asking me if I sold my soul, the answer is no."

Phil: "Great!  Next question!"
Eric: I set him down and tell him to have a nice day.

Eli: He weeps gently.
Jason: Does he smell like magic?

Eli: No.

Hunter: For some reason I heard "Does he smell like Meth?"

Eli: Also no.
Hunter: "Get your panties un-bunched!  I call all women 'Doll'!"

Eli: And 'Sexy-tits'.

Hunter: NO!  That's not CLASSY!
Chris M: "I can focus my energy into bolts."

Bryan: "That explains how you can cook, if not eat."
Chris M: "I'd shake your hand, but I don't want you to disintegrate."

Jason: "How do you EAT?"
Dianne: I was reading this article about students losing fingers in a game of tug-of-war.

Nick S: Who won?

Tom: The rope.
Eli: I named my cat Honey so I can come home and say "Honey, I'm home!" and then cry for 20 minutes because my life is a joke.

Jerry: I don't need a cat for that!