Sorry about the lack of posts

Between the holidays interrupting games and draining me of energy, I haven't really been able to keep things updating.  Sorry about that, and I will have a bunch for you after the New Year.

Chris: Kick him in the ghost dick!

Amanda: Oh my God, dice!  Fuck you right in the face!

Eric: Well that was anticlimactic.  I didn't expect her to die when I shot her.

Chris: It's a bullet, dude.

Eric: I was just prepared for her to be a super voodoo lady.

Chris: Voodoo doesn't make you bulletproof.

Eli [As Dr. Frankenstein]: "Dr. Nash!  I've read your work!"

Chris: "Yeah, I... read about you in English class..."

Amanda: "Ace, where am I?"

Eli: "You are directly underneath the house where most of your friends died."

Amanda: "...I knew that much."

Eli: "Then why did you ask?"

Amanda: All right.  It's basement time.

Eli: It's where she keeps the dungeon.

Amanda: It's a fun-geon!

Amanda: It has to hurt or it won't heal.

Bryan: How many arrows do I have to put in this guy?  He's like a reverse Kerplunk tube; how many stick do I have to put in before the marbles all fall out?

Eric: "Be wary, travelers.  The souls of the Dead take this path to Lethurna, and predators have thus taken up residence along it."

Eli: "Don't they have to put signs up and go door to door to let people know?"

Chris: "Wrong type of predator, Fletcher..."

Eric: "There's a secret way, but you won't like it."

Tom: "Oh gods..."

Eric: "You'll have to go through the Shadowfell."

Tom: "Oh, good!  I thought sewers were going to be involved!"

Tom: "I'm buying a horse, because I can ride it and then when I get tired of it I can eat it."

Tom: One of these days I'm going to use that portal to find a universe with competent guards.

Eli: I need to buy Fletcher a Horn of Summons.  If Fletcher blows it, all creatures within a mile hear it and all allies immediately wake up if sleeping and know my exact location in relation to them, his current HP, and his status.

Tom: But will it make anyone care?

Eli: ...No.

Eli: So what did we loot?

Jason: A lot of art and wine.

Hunter: This is a vampire's castle; that's not wine.

Chris: Even the cigars are blood.

Eli: I thought they'd be orphan skin or something.

Tom: Scabs wrapped in orphan skin, maybe.

Eric: Your power list reads like a set list for a Norwegian Black Metal Band...

Tom" His horse isn't really gay, he's just been raping it this whole time.

Hunter: Took it just a little far there.

Tom: Neigh means neigh!

Eric: You only disable most of the traps.  Your conscripted minions will still have to deal with the rest.

Jason: Meh.  They're just gnolls.

Tom: [playing an evil character] "He's tricky, huh?  He wouldn't do something like infiltrate an adventuring group and pretend to be a hero so he could kill things and get gold, would he?"

Eric: The door opens to reveal four drow with readied crossbows pointed at you.

Tom: Good!  I want to kill one!

Eli: I hate the term "Grammar Nazi".  Why would you ever call yourself a Nazi?

Jason: Would you prefer "Grammar Asshole"?

Tom: No.  That sounds like Elder Porn.

Eli: "How do you know how to kill someone with a bagel?"

Tom: "My father was an orc chef-tain."

Eli: With my powers, my punches are like a rave!

Jeffrey: "Fletcher!  It's 2 A.M.!  Turn off your fists!"

Amanda: I'm having my elemental attack.  His name's Air-Bro.

Ernie: No, he should be Earth-Bro because it's ironic.

Hunter: So he's a Geo-Dude?

Ernie: "Join our clan!  We wear white hoods to identify ourselves."

Nick: "Okay."

All: ...

Nick: What?  I have family from Alabama.

Tom: Is Fletcher down below?

Hunter: No, he's abovedecks, right next to the big monster.

Tom: Oh.  Then that one's dead.  What else is there?

Hunter: Jason's flaming horse is in the brig.

Eric: Do you want to go to jail, horse?  Neigh!

Eric: "It's probably just dolphins.  Nothing to worry about."

Eli: I pick her up and point her in the right direction.

Eric: ::rolls again:: "Oh.  I see what you're getting at now."

Tom: Is there room for a flaming horse?

Eli: Depends.  Just how gay is it?

Eric: It only eats Haaaaaayyy.

John: "What are you good at?"

Eric: "Sailing, fighting, drinking..."

Tom: "How about 'not getting hit by lightning'?"

Eric: Now the Dockworker's Guild just needs to get five ships out of the Sea of Teeth.

Tom: Well, unfortunately I can't beat the ocean into submission or I'd help.

Jason: Calling it "The Big People Inn" is a better name than it's real one of "The Short-Nosed Dog".

Eric: Well, it IS a halfling town...

Jason: "Where are you located?"

Eric: "Well, we have bases-"

Eli: I punch him in the mouth.

Eli: No.  Hralgnarg (Tom) is not the leader.

John: Yeah, he's not that great at Perception, or Diplomacy...

Tom: Or abstract thought...

Eli: If you had to guess, it would seem that someone just Captain Kirk'ed you in the back of the head.

David: It goes Invisible.

Nick S: Cast the spells that make it reappear!

Amanda: I cast Detect Magic!

David: You're in the First World.  Everything is magic.

Amanda: Fuck.

Ernie: Of course plants take criticals!  If you punch a tomato in the tomato, you just killed that tomato!

Eric: As he falls, he begins this speech...

Tom: Quick!  Hit him again before he monologues!

Dianne: First thing I do is un-fuck myself.

Eli: Can I make an Acrobatics check to run across the tops of the dwarves' heads?

Tom: You'd probably need a Diplomacy roll to keep them from biting you as you pass, too.

Hunter: It's like a nightmare.  A sea of toothy beards biting at your feet.

Tom: Oh for fuck's sake!  He hit the horsey man!  That's our horsey man!  Roll some Initiative!"

Jason: I'm going to charge up and plant my pick in his back.

Eric: He's 15 feet up in the air.

Jason: I have a horse.

Eric: O...ok?

Eric: You see skeletons riding spiders as big as ponies in the back of this web-filled room.

Tom: Wait, as big as ponies with the legs included, or the bodies are as big as ponies?

Eric: The bodies alone.

Hunter: I'm setting this room on fire and bugging the fuck out.

Nick S: "I hate to say it, but we need to go back to the Hunger Dark."

Erin: "It's the Happy Cleft!"

Erin: Can I cast Animate Object on the book?

David: Yes.  Why?

Erin: I want it to follow me.

David: You realize it can't walk or fly, right?

Hunter: I'm imagining this book flipping end over end after her like unto a slinky...

Hunter: "You were fine with the bugbear shock troops we have but you had to try to murder the weretiger."

Nick S: "No, I want to kill the bugbears too!"

Erin: I'm going to make a dress out of the swan feathers!

David: Craft check.

Erin: 13!

David: You make a dress.  It's terrible, but it's a dress.

Hunter: "We... we have dressmakers and tailors here, Bit.  We can have them make you a swan costume from those feathers..."

Erin: "Tell them I want a hat, too!"

Ernie: My next ability is "Cloak of Wasps" which turns the flesh of my back into a swarm of wasps that carries me around.

Hunter: What's next?  You going to put us all off our lunch forever by sleeping on a bed of maggots?

Ernie: That does sound comfortable...

Ernie: "We need to take this to her turf, like we did with Iravetti."

Hunter: "Sounds like a plan."

Ernie: "We'll kill her like we did him, and cut off his balls and fed them to his wife!"

Nick S: Took it a little far there...

Ernie: "Hey, do you agree we should head home at some point?"

Nick S: "Yeah, I guess."

Ernie: "Good." Teleport.  You agreed!  You're a willing participant!

Nick S: "I deserve an apology for the way you've been treating me."

Hunter: "You just attacked someone I was negotiating with!"

Nick S: "Weretiger!"

Ernie: "You just attacked her for no reason."

Nick S: "She was a weretiger."

Ernie: "She wan't doing anything!"

Nick S: "Weretiger."

Ernie: "She surrendered!"

Nick S: "Were. Tiger."

Eric: Mindflayer attacks Hralgnarg.  35 vs. Will.

Tom: Drooling time! Hand me some pudding!

David: I thought you said you weren't going to metagame.

Nick S: He said he wouldn't metagame with Ernie.

Amanda: I'm stupider than Ernie and need more help.

Hunter: I never said that.

Amanda: No, you didn't say it...

David: He's going to coup de grace you.

Donna: No!  I don't want to die!  Again!

David: You don't have DR/adamantine, do you?  Because it doesn't matter if you do.

Amanda: "I'm going to sneak into your pants real quick."

Chris: "Says the date rapist."

Amanda: "This isn't a date."

Bryan: Oh good.  I dodged the pistols only to be hit by the white-hot doom rifles.

Bryan: "Look, we know you don't actually like kids.  You like the tender, succulent meat ON kids."

Eli: "Cape Boy there got me all riled up but didn't finish the job."

Jerry: "Men."

Bryan: [fighting supervillain called the Mirror] "You should know that Redeemers in the Mirror are more dangerous than they appear!"

[groans around the table]

Jerry: "Seven years of bad jokes..."

Hunter: "Are you going to do something disgusting again?"

Ernie: "... No!"

Eric: "We didn't want to drive out the dwarves, but evil things have taken over our homes."

Chris M: "I don't speak giant.  What is he saying?"

Tom: "Something about real estate."

David: He's a big man.  With big swords.

Hunter: It's not the size that counts.

Hunter: "Once we claim this territory we're hiring some dwarf sappers to cave this place in."

Erin: "Why?"

Hunter: "It's called the Hunger Dark. It can't be in any way good."

Erin: "We could clean it out and rename it."

Hunter: "Like what?"

Erin: "We can call this crevice the Happy Cleft!"

Hunter: "..."

Erin: "What?"

Erin: "But I have to protect you!"

Hunter: "That's Kull's job."

Erin: "... he's not doing a good job.  You're fairly depraved."

Nick S: "Hey!  I only protect him from physical threats.  Whatever he does to himself is not my problem."

Eric: The mages stand up and open their robes, releasing a noxious shroud.

Hunter: What, did they eat Taco Bell before the battle?

John: Are there any clan marking on these guys?

Hunter: Well, they all have white robes and hoods...

Eric: "You have to pay the toll to pass."

Dianne: "What is the toll?  Do you accept currency in the manner of 'Not killing you'?"

Jason: "I see subtlety will not be this group's strong point."

Tom: "Says the man with the flaming horse."

Eric: What you learn about their recent history is that they've lost 60% of their population due to wars over the past few decades and another is brewing.

Tom: Maybe we should be sending them Poli-Sci majors and diplomats instead of mercenaries...

Hunter: I'm a dwarven monk.  A drunken master to be precise.

Eric: So a normal dwarven monk?

Hunter: You RACIST.

Hunter: "Why are you here?"

David: "We were told to guard the sword."

Nick S: "You mean this one?"

David: "Obviously we failed."

David: He shouts "I give up!"

Donna: Kill him anyway!

Hunter: You're Lawful Good.

Donna: Dammit!

Nick S: "I'm not doing that; it has deep spiritual significance to me."

David: Are you talking about cutting off your penis?

Nick S: No!

Ernie: Just the tip.

Nick S: NO!

Hunter: "So you're just helping me become king so you can kill me and usurp my throne?"

Nick S: "Or until I find a Linnorm to slay single-handedly."

Hunter: "... Maybe you should leave..."

Nick S: Shouldn't that second elemental have tried to grab me?

David: Oh!  Right!

Hunter: Why would you help him?

Nick S: Live by the rules, die by the rules.

Eric: No means no.

Hunter: Except when it means yes.

Jason: But then "Bananas means no.

Tom: What?

Eric: I think that's his safe word.

Dianne: Well, since tomorrow is Frank's birthday, and Friday is mine, and I have this gently used cake...

Ernie: "I have some tuna for you."

David: "I'm not a real cat."

Ernie: "It's not real tuna?"

Ernie: My flesh turns into a swarm of fleas and climbs onto the giant eagle.

Nick S: "That's the creepiest thing I've seen all day."

Ernie: A swarm of spiders will carry my bones up there.

Nick S: "I take it back.  That's the creepiest thing I've seen all day."

Nick S: Normal, logical people don't become adventurers.

Ernie: Normal people have Intelligence scores of 10.  If they're logical, we're way past that.  We flipped off Logic in the rearview mirror.

Frank: So now that the bad guy has me, I assume I'm being turned into a zombie...

Eric: Oh no.  Nothing that easy and non-sadistic.

Frank: Well shit.

Tom: So there's a horde of zombies shuffling through self-checkout?

Eric: Past the Customer Service desk where all the self help books and keychains are.

Hunter: It's really creepy when one picks up a book and reads the back cover, then puts it back and resumes shuffling and moaning.

Frank: "I can't do much or talk 'cause the zombies are nearby."

Hunter: Can't talk, zombies will eat me.

Frank: I turn on my flashlight.

Tom: Surprise!  You're still at Home Depot.

Eric: You get swarmed by a pack of Mexicans.

Hunter: "You're a wizard!  Why are you buying fireworks?!"

Dianne: "Because it's fun!"

Eric: Hey, I have social skills!

Tom: Is that why you attacked the Fomor emissary when he came to parlay?

Eric: Eli's the only one who can ask for my sandwich.

Hunter: Then give me your milkshake!

Jason: But he needs it to bring all the boys to his yard.

Frank: "Is me shooting him calming him down?"

Chris M: "If you find children, leave them where they are, unless they're in danger then remove them from the building and come help us."

Amanda: "But I can only fly if I'm carrying a young child."

Chris M: "That's really... I don't..." Where is that defect in the book?

Bryan: I'm going to drive around the legs of the giant as I fire a grappling arrow at his leg.

Chris M: Are you Hoth-ing this giant?

Bryan: I am totally Hoth-ing this giant.

Chris M: "How many arrows did you put in him?"

Bryan: "How many legs does he have?"

Bryan: I gave up sweet ramps for Lent.

Phil: Once you [Amanda] are away from the bad guys, you could hide and he'd never find you.

Eli: To be fair, I could hide and you would never find me.

Chris M: No, we could; all we'd have to do is listen for the sounds of children crying and people being offended.

Eric: Somehow I thought you said they raid Apple Stores.  I was picturing a horse going into one and saying "There are no apples here!" then just smashing everything.

Bryan: This got gross fast, like at the speed of projectile vomit.

Chris M: He's not really a goblin; he's two really small midgets inside a slightly larger midget suit.

Phil: "You're part of our troupe, sir!  You're our archer!"

Bryan: "Yes.  What do you want me to arch?"

Eric: If you're having boss problems I feel bad for you son.  I got 99 problems but your death ain't one.

Chris M: I hate you so much.

Tom: You want me to tell you what my elf eyes see?

Hunter: Since when did you have elf eyes?

Tom: Since I took them from an elf, obviously.

Eli: My brain read that grape soda as "grapple flavored".

Eric: It's going to wrestle the thirst out of you.

Eric: "Why does everything happen at the park?"

Eli: "Vulture, do you know anything about this tree full of kids?"

Amanda: "Shhhhhhh!"

Eli: "We need Tiki to hit her really hard.  Right in the lady parts."

Eli: "Why are we putting dogs in tupperware?"

Bryan: "To keep them fresh for later, obviously."

Phil: He starts screaming.

Eric: Is it surprised screaming or injured screaming?

Bryan: Or is it "I need an adult" screaming?

Dianne: "Did you just say True Love 'beats off' White Court vampires?"

Hunter: ::sigh:: "God dammit I did."

Chris: "We're trying to figure out how to kill vampires and you tell us how to make their day better."

Tom: "I believe in God the same way I believe in France; they both exist but I don't see how that affects ME in any way."

Charlie: "Where is your brother, dwarf?"

Tom: "Which one?"

Hunter: The short one with the beard.

Hunter: You have downtime.  Talk amongst yourselves.

Frank: "Talky talky gabba gabba?"

Jerry: "I can't handle such deep conversation."

Hunter: If I convinced my wife to play RPGs we'd have to play something else, because she's not into superheroes.

Frank: Well to be fair we're not really superheroes.  We're kind of jerks and... kind of jerks.

Nick: Is your character going to get drunk before the joust?  Because that would be AWESOME.

Hunter: Who has a Cure spell prepared?  Because that was a BURN.

Hunter: I only need a 5 to succeed.  ::fails:: God Dammit.

David: A green dragon drops her spell of invisibility and attacks.

Nick S: Scandal!  It's almost as if she were EVIL or something!

Hunter: Greens are LAWFUL evil!  They're supposed to follow the rules!

Amanda: Her rule seems to be "Cheat."

Hunter: Well damn.

Tom: "Ram one of your drones into an exhaust vent!"

Eric: "I'm not sacrificing a 15,000 nuyen drone for this!"

Tom: "Where's your dedication to the run?"

Karen: "Where's his dedication? You were the one whining about having to waste an arrow!"

Eric: I'm going to roll to figure out where the chopper's vital systems are.

Tom: That's easy: Under the armor plating.

Frank: I'd comment on damaging the Johnson's package, but I don't think it would be taken so well...

Eric: "We could blow the sewers to block egress, but I don't want to damage the product."

Tom: "All of that just sounds wrong."

Frank: Can I roll dodge to avoid this conversation?

Jerry: The more you don't want to know...

Frank: The more you repress.

Jerry: I want to open a sandwich shop that also sells Indian food and call it The New Delhi.

Jerry: We are terrible people.

Jason: And worse fungi.

Ernie: "Ever notice how barbarians are always bragging about things everyone expects them to do? "I can read!"  Bitch you SHOULD be able to read!"

Hunter: How do you think I keep my wife happy?

Ernie; Shutting up and letting her spend the money?

Ernie: Guys put their dice down their pants to make them roll better.

Nick S: Um... No we don't.

Hunter: Don't judge me!

Nick S: Too late.

Eric: "I can't believe it's not butter!"

Tom: "Why not?  It says 'Soylent Yellow' on the side of the tub!"

John: You can go astral, but that leaves your body comatose.

Tom: We'll just shove her unconscious body in the windowless van.

Hunter: Because THAT didn't sound creepy at ALL...

John: They let everyone go but you.

Charlie: Because I was honest.

John: Because you're under arrest!

John: "Are you an investigator?"

Charlie: "Yes."

John: "What company do you work for?  Show me your license."

Charlie: "No."

John: "Why?"

Charlie: "I don't have one."

John: "Uh-huh."

John: "Are you willing to undergo some more thorough interrogation techniques?"

Karen: "I'm not up to being mind-raped by a weird machine, if that's what you're asking."

John: This ork is not long for this world.

Dianne: He has a red shirt, doesn't he?

John: After bleeding so much, yes.

David: You can't use Reincarnate on Donna's character because she was turned into an undead.

Donna: What?!

Nick S: Don't worry; we have your back.

Donna: You cut me in half!

Nick: We have your front, too.

Donna: You killed my character!

Hunter: Start crying!  If reddit has taught me anything it's that DMs cannot resist the tears of a female gamer and will save their characters from death!

David: She's my wife; I've developed an immunity to her tears.

David: The bones are moving slowly...

Nick S: "Maybe... maybe it's just happy little ants moving the bones.  Or puppies!  Happy puppies who found the biggest bones ever!"

Hunter: "If it's puppies, then they're hell hound puppies and the only bones they're going to eat are ours."

David: You fall into the lake of acid.

Nick: That's 10d6 damage a round, and we can't NOT fall in!

David: The module lists this as an appropriate encounter for a level 8 party.

Nick: It LIED!

Donna: Critical failure.

David: ::draws a card:: "Whiff: The attack deals damage to you instead of the target."

Nick S: That's not a whiff, that's a wham!

Nick S: So now what? We present our green scales or it shoots acid lasers at us?

Hunter: Don't give the DM ideas.

Hunter: "Don't step in the circle; it has a strong magical aura I haven't been able to discern."

Nick S: "What?"

Hunter: "It'll do stuff to you.  I don't know what."

Nick S: "There ya go."

Eric: If this gets any worse I'll have to use Lay On Hands on myself.

Eli: If you start touching yourself you'll never prove you aren't enjoying this.

Eric: You can still cast spells while on your back.

Charlie: That makes sense; the most magical women I've ever known were on their backs at the time...

Hunter: It gives you a bad touch.

Eric: There are no safe words in Uncle Touchy's basement.

Hunter: "Return whence you came, monster!"

Nick S: "I'll return you to your grave!"

David: "But we're alive, not undead..."

Nick S: "I've been locked away for decades.  Shut up!"

Brett: "If the water turns red, it means 'Help Me'."

Brett: "No, no.  The bartender fell down.  That's what we're telling the watch."

Nick S: "We'll cut up the rabbit and share.  Two of us each get a leg, and one of us gets the thorax."

Brett: "I don't think I want to eat a rabbit with a thorax."

Brett: Yes, I'm sure this will run like clockwork, except this will be a murder-clock oiled by the blood of heroes.

Rick: I can cast Resist Energy, not Resist Pirates.

Aaron: "This man was shot."

Ian: "He pulled a gun on me."

Rick: He's a noble; he gets money.  I'm a pirate; I get to spit on people.

Nick S: Running away is for pansies! I turn INVISIBLE before running away.

Rick: Statistically speaking I'm much more likely to lie better than I hid.

Jonathen: You've had to kill every ninja master you've ever had.

Rick: I didn't HAVE to kill them.

Brett: Rachel, don't pamper the Lord of Death.

Brett: That's the thing about evil friends.  They aren't friends.

Nick S: "What happened to being greedy but loyal?"

Jonathen: "I lied.  I'm also a liar."

Alex: The ooze seems sad.

Jonathen: I'll put some arrows in it to cheer it up.

Rachel: You mean the paparazzi aren't opera singers?

Ian: Hey!  I don't remember installing a self-destruct in those goblins!

Nick: "Can you put this somewhere it can't be scryed on?"

Matt: "Sure.  We have a special container for that."

Nathan: ::throws item in the fireplace::

Rick: "I see you have a potion there.  I could greatly use that potion.  Do you have any need for it?"

Jonathen: "Well actually..."

Rick: "How about you hand over that damn potion and not answer that question?"

Nick S: We looted him?  When did we loot him?

Brett: No, I preemptively looted him for when we loot him later.

Ian: Juntao has done this before.

Jonathen: Exploded?!

Ian: "He was attacking me, so of course I had to respond."

Jonathen: "He attacked you while unconscious and on the floor?"

Jonathen: You did kill one of Dracos' clerics in cold blood, then sold his soul to a devil.  Then blamed Dracos himself for it.

Rick: Well, I promise to never do it again.

Jonathen: Rick, you hear a voice in your head.

Rick: "Oh no.  Not again."

Jonathen: "Insolent fool!  Who do you serve?"

Rick: "Who may I ask is calling?"

Jonathen: "Die, motherfu- I mean, Hail, Glorious Leader."

Dana: I have Deflect Arrows.

Nathan: Well, you got hit 19 times.  Get crackin'.

Jonathen: "He was planning to blow up the hotel we were in."

NPC: "Why?!"

Jonathen: "He though he might have to kill a guy inside.  ONE GUY."

Rick: For some reason, and I can't believe I'm saying this right now, I'm not worried about the dragon.

Adrian: "I swore on the souls of my family."

BretT: "I hope your family knows you're a madman who's sent them all to hell."

Jonathen: My guy never forgets.  How am I going to explain that I forgot to pay these guys?

Jonathen: "All other forms of persuasion have failed.  Send in Frankie."

Jon: "All right!  You have until the count of three to answer all my questions or I start cutting off your fingers!  One!  Two! THR-"

Jonathen: "Frankie wait!!  You didn't ask him anything yet!"

NPC: "Come out with your hands up!"

John: "I'm performing surgery at the moment!  Can you come back in five minutes?"

Rick: I would comply, but I only have one hand right now and can't.

Nick: I rolled a 4, a 4, and another 4.

Matt: So you rolled an 8.

John: I never hung body parts from the ceiling!

Nick S: Just because you made a new character sheet doesn't mean you can change the past.

John: No, it's what I do AFTER I murder them that makes me a pervert.

John: I pull out, like, two tens and say "Maybe my friends whoever these presidents are can help you remember."

Jonathen: "Is Carl still alive?"

John: "Let me check." ::gunshot:: "No."

NPC: "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD HELP ME HELP ME!" ::gunshot::

Jonathen: "Hello?  Is this Emmett?"

Brett: "You're not trustworthy!  You sold your soul for a sword!"

Nick S: "Pretty sweet sword, though."

Nick S: Your party members are being slaughtered and you're looting my corpse.  God I want to stab you.

Nick S: Torture is not a social skill!

Nick S: She's a paladin; she doesn't care about glory.

Jonathen: She's not a paladin.

Nick S: Well okay then.

Jonathen: You're not in DC; you don't kill each other over shoes.

Nick S: Is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?  I really hope its a lightsaber...

Jonathen: Are those Jedi pants?  'Cuz your Force is outta this world.

Eric: I'm not even bloodied.

Frank: Shut up you... you tank!

Frank: No one likes him anyway; he has a stupid hat.

Hunter: Don't mind the paladin if he sticks his hand down his pants to lay on hands.

John: If he sticks his hand down YOUR pants, he's Catholic.

Eric: You take 40 emotional damage, 10 crying damage ongoing, and alcoholism.  Save ends.

Coley: "You're very pretty for a dwarf man."

Eric: Did the kobold just dismiss a dragon?

Eli: Yes.  Yes I did.

Eli: Rick is going to drunkenly ride a brahmin.  "I have a steed!  His name is Bill!"

Chris M: "If he's a dude, why does Bill have tits?"

Eli: "I have a steed!  HER name is Bill!"

Eric: You shoot him in the dick again and he dies.

Eric: I need you to make a Vigor roll to avoid catching fire.

Chris M: This could end up awesome since Frank's carrying all the explosives.

::one failed vigor roll later::

Chris M: You can just tell us we're dead.  You don't have to do the math.

Eric: ::rolls handfuls of dice over and over:: Yes I do.

Jason: "I'm sorry ma'am.  We're from the future and we have to kill you to save reality."

Luke: I'm going to slap him on the ass and give him a thumbs up as I skip away, because no one suspects a gay spy.

Hunter: You don't have to be flamboyant to be gay.

Luke: Right.  You can be a bear.

Chris: "We've all done interesting things."

Jason: "I murdered the universe."

Phil: "And now we're going to undo the one cool thing you did."

Eric: To be fair, it was Leroy that landed the killing blow.

Hunter: Jason started it!

Hunter: "Of course I'd like to save all of existence.  It's where I keep my stuff."

Hunter: "I think this means you owe Petrov some respect, Rick, because if this Guardian of Eternity thing is correct he murdered all of Time."

Chris M: "That IS pretty impressive."

Phil: "He didn't do it alone!"

Eli: "What the hell's a Canada?"

Hunter: "Canada use to be America's hat."

Eli: "No, Abe Lincoln was America's hat."

Chris M: "If you can control time and space, how can there be more pressing matters?"

Eric: "I was being facetious, you ass."

Eric: "I am a being of thought and energy.  I do not have a mother."

Chris M: "Not after what I did to her!"

Eli: "Who carries a briefcase around?"

Eric: "I dunno! Businessmen!"

Luke: "Who carries a briefcase in Old Town?"

Eric: "Somebody who wants to get robbed."

Phil: He doesn't look like someone addicted to drugs, but then you turn around and he's injecting cocaine directly into his eyeballs.

Jason: I'm going to roll to not be Shaken anymore.

Eli: Like a baby.

Jason: You can't unshake a baby.

Frank: "We love you Petrov, you magnificent bastard."

Eli: "No we don't."

Frank: "I love you."

Eli: "No."

Frank: "We hate you Petrov.  You make me vomit!"

Eli: "Took it a little far there."

Eli: "I haven't been to Reno since that time with Elvis."

Chris M: "Elvis has been dead for over 200 years."

Phil: (playing an alien) "Elvis is FINE. We've been treating him FINE."

Eric: You shake her.

Eli: Like a baby!

Thomas: I was going to say like a Polaroid picture.

Chris M: Babies are more fun.

Eric: The robed ones are all in a corner where Leroy threw them during the battle.

Hunter: "I put them in time out!"

Eli: I don't like how calm Eric is about this combat.

Hunter: I don't know about you guys, but I'll be fine.  Nobody eats Deathclaw.

Eli: "I'm from Vault 9."

Eric: "Never heard of it."

Eli: "Yeah, it's pretty underground."

Frank: Breakfast: The Tastening!

Eric: The new game from White Wolf.

Hunter: Gordon Ramsey is the enemy coven leader.

Eli: Punchersize!  It's an exorcism where you punch the demons out.

Tom: I've used up all my dick jokes for the day.

Eli: You've used up all your daily dick jokes?

Nick S: Might have to start throwing out some encounter dick jokes.

Eli: Spend an action point for some extra dicks.

Chris: I knew a girl in high school like that.

Ann: Surprise sex is always good!

Charlie: Sometimes there's cake!

Luke: Nobody rapes cows.

Nick S: That you know of.  100% of cow rape goes unreported.

Eli: It's like surprise sex!

Chris: Except that instead of confetti it's lightning and pain.

Tom: "Nobody's asking you to eat the dragon, just to not watch while WE do."

Nick S: Kobold chili is mostly rats and botulism.

Chris: That's almost the exact same recipe as Taco Bell.

Eric: He's made of rage and hit points, loosely bound in leather.

Tom: Screw it.  I'll just buy whiskey.

Eli: But that won't keep you warm.

Tom: But I won't care.

Nick S: "What's your name again?"

Eli: "Kespeskix."

Nick S: "Your new name is Special K."

Charlie: Which one is Nick fighting?

Nick S: The giant one.

Charlie: New plan.  I'm not helping Nick.

Eric: The druid's Fortitude is "Bear."

Coley: I need to memorize my shit.

Elias: Language.

Coley: What?  It's in the Bible.

Eric: The robot runs forward at his top speed of... ::consults a sheet::

Frank: Ridiculously fast for a Protectron?

Eric: After Leroy's wild attack, three are dead and three more are Shaken.

Hunter: ...

Chris M: You know you want to say it.

Hunter: "Nobody eats Deathclaw."

Chris M: I would like to take this opportunity to tell her she is one ugly motherfucker.

Eric: You somehow manage to grapple both of them at once.  One is Shaken by the experience; the other is just surprised.

Frank: "I'm sorry, Hector."

Chris M: "It's Esteban."

Frank: "I don't care."

Eli: They were trying to make a virus beneficial.

Hunter: Don't they watch movies?!

Eli: All they had were propaganda films about how the Russians were bad.

Hunter: You mean the Chinese?

Eli: They're both in Asia!

Jason: And Communist.

Eric: He has a weakness to shots to the head.

Eli: I should hope so; he's a zombie.

Frank: He just got punched in his sense of smug satisfaction.

Eric: You see a rattlesnake about 25 feet long slither out of the pit.

Eli: I'm going to ride it.

Eric: The large group spots you, but only because you're standing next to the glowing ghoul.

Hunter: I'm going to run into the crowd of guys in front of Chuck like a little kid plowing through seagulls at the beach.

Eric: "Who is attacking my camp?!"

Frank: "Me!  Sorry!"

Eric: One of them spots you trying to sneak into camp.

Eli: ::puts a finger to his lips:: "Shhhhhh..."

Eric: You realize that even if you put the Stealth Boy on the Deathclaw it only lasts ten minutes, right?

Hunter: That's more than enough time to kill forty sleeping people.

Phil: How many are there?

Eric: Enough.  Shut up.

Eric: He shanks Leroy with a combat knife.

Chris M: Guy's got some balls.

Hunter: Not for long.

Eric: You miss with the Molotov.  Now there's just fire behind Leroy.

Chris M: Great.  You just gave him something to cook his food with.

Hunter: Cook?

Eric: You need to find a way to disable this bomb.

Hunter: "Will hitting it help?"

Everyone: "NO!"

Eli: "I have scorpion hands!"

Eric: "You stay away from my patients."

John: "Go ahead and test his patience, though."

Eric: "Whatever we have is yours for doing us this favor."

Eli: "I want a pony, and a train set, and..."

Chris: "Ignore him."

Eli: I play with one of the radscorpion claws.  "Feed Me, Seymour!"

Hunter: 19 damage.

Eric: You kill the Mother Scorpion.

Hunter: "NOBODY EATS DEATHCLAW!"

Chris: This is going to be your catchphrase, isn't it?

John: "Watch out Leroy.  That thing might actually eat you."

Hunter: "Nobody eats Deathclaw."

Eli: "Look upon my work ye mighty, and despair!"

Jason: "I never should have slept with my sergeant's girlfriend..."

Eli: I built this character for Initiative.  And punching.

Nick S: "Can you track a spirit wolf?"

Charlie: "Don't know. No one's ever asked."

Hunter: "Someone just did!"

Tom: They look Irish, as if Ireland existed in D&D.

Chris M: So they're drunk?

Tom: He disappears in a puff of eldritch annoyance.

Eli: "How could you not tell me you were a superhero?!"

Phil: "How could you not tell me you were an alien power source?!"

Eli: "Are you on crack?"

Phil: "You know we can't afford that!"

Chris: I can just see their thought process now.

"He just offed two of us with one punch!"

"Then we'll attack him four at a time!"

"But he has two hands!"

"Well, fuck."

Eric: "Time for me to solder and weld."

Hunter: "But you're making a sandwich..."

Hunter: "The plan is this: You chuckleheads distract him while Newton wraps me in fucking SCIENCE!"

Tom: And why did this happen?

Hunter: Because comic books.

Tom: That sort of crap is illegal in Kentucky.

Jason: Also, Arabs are dicks.

::silence::

Jason: I'm talking about the horse breed, you assholes.

Ernie: My turn?  I'm going to poop in an elevator, because shit's about to go down!

Hunter: "I don't plan on letting a harpy into my bed."

Ernie: "You don't always have a choice."

Eli: "That's why it's rape."

Eli: "So the harpy wants to sleep with you.  Just ignore the bird parts and focus on the lady parts."

Hunter "No."

David: "Would YOU want to have sex with a cloaca?"

Eli: "She has a MOUTH."

Hunter: "A mouth full of teeth designed to rend flesh."

Eli: "Look, Paladin, just take one for the team already."

Tom: "I do not believe you!  You do not have the wet, tangy smell of truth!"

Chris M: We're trying to be diplomatic and they're all "Nooooo! We're mushrooms!"

Eli: "I don't have time for this!"

Jerry: "Obviously you do; you're still here."

Eli: I just want to go home and wreak unholy vengeance upon those who exiled me."

Chris M: "You know, I was almost sympathizing with you."

Jason: We had to change his name to Richard Caravan, because somehow "Wagon" was just as offensive as "Dick".

Eli: Are you doing anything else?

Jerry: Unfortunately.

Eric: Junk man isn't a superhero.  Just a weirdo with a huge mustache.

Luke: "Can I have a crab butler?"

Chris M: "No.  Your crabular privileges have been revoked."

Chris: "The Man Out Of Time is busy giving tact lessons to Impact.  I'm pretty sure Hell has frozen over."

Hunter: "So, New Guy.  What did we learn from this?"

Phil: "Nothing?"

Hunter: "Sounds about right."

Jerry: "Aurix, we need you.  I can't tell you how much it pains me to say that."

Jason: "I love you too, Miracle."

Eli: Since when is your character English?

Luke: Well, I'm a tree man...

Chris M: "You're a tree-man.  Legal things are not your forte; Mulch, yes."

Chris: I'm the Chinese Hulk!

Jerry: Hulk make cheap goods?

Eli: You can calm him down but he'll just be angry again in an hour.

John: "That's your power?  You're cantankerous?"

Chris: "I wish I could just hold things.  I haven't had a cheeseburger in MONTHS."

Eli: How do you EAT?

Hunter: We've asked this question repeatedly.

Eli: Miracle kills him

Phil: That's three Horsemen so far!

Chris M: Look if we're just killing people on horseback and keeping count...

Eli: If you hit it hard enough, it turns into Sarah Jessica Parker.

Bryan: But it's already a horse!

Eli: She is a LADY, Bryan!

Jerry: A lady Horse.

Eli: How can I describe this so Miracle doesn't just fly head-first into a wall?

Jerry: I have acrobats.

Eli: You'll need a whole troop of them.

Jerry: I meant Acrobatics.

Hunter: "Get togged to the bricks and dangle, people!  This situation's all wet!"

Nick F: "What are you SAYING?!"

Hunter: "Tell that G-man if he wants to bump gums at me he'll have to hoof it here and flash his buzzer."

Bryan: "I honestly have no idea what you just said."

Eli: "If you're asking me if I sold my soul, the answer is no."

Phil: "Great!  Next question!"

Eric: I set him down and tell him to have a nice day.

Eli: He weeps gently.

Jason: Does he smell like magic?

Eli: No.

Hunter: For some reason I heard "Does he smell like Meth?"

Eli: Also no.

Hunter: "Get your panties un-bunched!  I call all women 'Doll'!"

Eli: And 'Sexy-tits'.

Hunter: NO!  That's not CLASSY!

Chris M: "I can focus my energy into bolts."

Bryan: "That explains how you can cook, if not eat."

Chris M: "I'd shake your hand, but I don't want you to disintegrate."

Jason: "How do you EAT?"

Dianne: I was reading this article about students losing fingers in a game of tug-of-war.

Nick S: Who won?

Tom: The rope.

Eli: I named my cat Honey so I can come home and say "Honey, I'm home!" and then cry for 20 minutes because my life is a joke.

Jerry: I don't need a cat for that!

Jerry: So this guy says to me "Son, if you need to run home and have a quickie with your girlfriend you can just tell me."  I say to him "Does this look like the body of a guy who does ANYTHING quickly?"

Eli: It's like when you heat up a burrito so it's warm but not hot so you can have sex with it.  Actually it's nothing like that.

Luke: Nobody told me we were stopping early!

Tom: Don't worry.  We'll give you a pointy stick to fend off the pedophiles in the parking lot.

David: So our toppings are extra cheese, three-cheese blend, double pepperoni...

Nick S: It's a coronary pizza.

Tom: How does his opportunity attack ability work?

Nick S: Poorly for us.

Tom: Nat 1. The ogre looks at his rock as if it's defective.

Eric: He has igneous dysfunction syndrome.

Eli: VOLCANIC dysfunction.  Because he can't erupt.

Dianne: "Is Gnome-tossing wrong?"

Chris M: "If it is, I don't want to be right."

Tom: Enough racism.  Lets get back to murder.

Nick S: Did you just say "Skullfucker" type monsters?

Hunter: That sounds more like AD&D than 4th Edition.

John: Subtract 1 intelligence.

Chris M: The fighter really can't afford that...

Hunter: "This doesn't seem physically possible..."

Eli: "Maybe that's because you're stupid."

Hunter: "I've hit rock bottom.  The mentally retarded fighter just called me stupid."

Eli: 30.

John: It dies. Your strength goes up by 4 temporarily.

Dianne: 28.

John: Dies.  Your strength goes up by 2.

Hunter: 30.

John: Died.  Your intelligence goes down by 2.

Hunter: Fuck this noise!

Dianne: I want to make a check to learn its strengths and weaknesses.

Tom: It's a rock.  It's strong against scissors and weak against paper.

John: Thunder Chicken takes 11 damage.

Ann: Her name is Alanna!

Hunter: Thunder Chicken is an honorific.

Eli: "We thought you were evil..."

Hunter: "Fletcher, don't talk anymore."

Chris M: "Dammit somebody give him a coloring book to keep him occupied!"

Ann: Where'd the dwarf come from?

Hunter: Midgets-R-Us.

Luke: Isn't that just Babies-R-Us?

Tom: No.  Babies get bigger.

Nick S: One of the demons appears next to Devon.

Eli: No!

Nick S: Wait...

Hunter: You took your hands off the mini!  No take-backsies!

Eli: WHY are you helping HIM?

Tom: "Now that we've established that evil is evil but not really, why can't I wear the magic helm?"

Tom: Why is the forest suddenly on fire?

John: I dunno.  Plot.

Nick S: "Send Fletcher ahead?  Sure, I have no personal attachment to him."

Eric: I like the fact that we managed to destroy a middle school gym in all of ten minutes.

Bryan: Let's be fair; the Department of Education destroyed it a long time ago.

Eric: You know, wed totally kick this guy's ass if not for his massive upper body strength.

Eli: Everyone knows how to say "Fuck You" in sign language.

Jason: And thanks to Jerry we also know "abortion".

Phil: I can see Rebar starting a trophy room now.

"Here is the hand of the Zombie King.  And this is the helm of the alien warlord Zon-Kiir.  And this is the tong that someone threw at me when I beat Ares, in a pro-wrestling match."

Eli: The dead guy is still hanging around.

Jerry: He's just earning a living.

Jason: No, no he's not.

Bryan: I'm sorry, could you repeat that?  I missed that last part.

Jerry: Damn, I was so focused on acting angry in character I forgot what I was saying.

Eli: Why would Lex Luthor bother stealing 40 cakes?  He's a billionaire; he could just buy a million bakeries."

Jason: Because he's a DOUCHE.

Bryan: Why do you always insinuate my characters are racist?

Eli: They're always incredibly Southern.

Eric: "I'm going to be honest with you, Agent Colm.  I've reached a point in my career where I'm agreeing with a man who thinks it's acceptable to wear socks with sandals and a business suit.  I've hit rock bottom."

Phil: "Everything depends on Druid."

Eli: "We're screwed."

Nick F: "What's a Commodore 64?"

Eli: "Terrible."

Hunter: The street is lava; everyone stand on the furniture monster.

Jerry: "He's calling himself the Couch Potato or something stupid like that."

Eli: "I AM THE SOFA KING!"

Jerry: "I don't Chair!"

Phil: "I liked Hellfire better before he died and came back as Magus."

Hunter: "You take your Hipster bullshit and you GET OUT."

Hunter: "I can die a happy man.  I just witnessed Ares, the God of War, be beaten by a drunken muskrat."

Eric: I attack the Mirror.  Nat 20.

Jerry: If he breaks the Mirror, that's a lot of bad luck.

Eli: There's a muskrat in the punch.

Jerry: I wish I could say that surprises me.

Nick S: "Quit your whining!"

Hunter: "Hey!  At least YOU can heal yourself!"

Nick S: "Why don't you put on your big boy... bell, or whatever, Moo-Person."

John: They shoot at the minotaur because he's the most obvious target.

Hunter: Curse my height and bestial visage!

::After several people fall through a trap in the floor::

David: Do you enter the room?

Amanda: Fuck that.

Tom: In Pathfinder you're all murderers.

Hunter: No, you're adventurers.  There's a difference.

Tom: Yes.  Adventurer starts with an "A".

Eli: So we'll introduce the Man out of Tomorrow... Crap, too much talk about Dr. Tomorrow.  The Man Out Of Time.

Eric: The Man Out Of Tomorrow!  "What day is it? It's Tuesday."

Hunter: "I'm from WEDNESDAY!"

Ryan: Inviso-Bitch!  From the makers of... something else inappropriate!

Amanda: Big, pink, sparkly and it whistles?  Sounds like a dildo with a hole in it.

Amanda: "I will put you to sleep and I will TOUCH you!"

Ernie: It took me ten solid minutes of research on the internet before I realized the word was "underfed" and not "un-derfed".

Tom: ::punches a fish-man into unconsciousness:: "Tell it to Captain Gordon, Fish Stick!"

Dianne: How long have you been waiting to use that line?

Tom: Since we started this adventure.

Tom: "Apparently we're going to a hippy commune to look at unconscious people.  Wanna come?"

Dianne: "Uhh... sure?"

Hunter: You don't find any blood evidence.

Tom: She didn't pee herself in terror after that attack?

Eli: I'm not collecting that.

Eli: "Hello?"

Tom: "Are you dead?"

Eli: "What ARE you?"

Tom: "She's hyperactive, that's what."

Karen: "WHAT is so interesting about the Kardashians?"

Tom: "The Ass."

Tom: "If we start counting all the things I've punched to death we'll be here all day."

Eli: "You will not rejoin the circle of rebirth again.  This is your last life, George Bailey."

Ryan: "Damn!  And I'm all out of quarters!"

Eli: You don't hear screaming so much as the sound of a baseball bat hitting a wet burrito.

Eli: There's a woman who is very surprised about you throwing someone through her window.

Bryan: "Sorry, Ma'am.  Redeemers business."

Ryan: "Everybody freeze!  This is a drive-by rescue!"

Eli: You can't compare Charlie Chaplin and Hitler.  Charlie Chaplin didn't kill six million people!

Ryan: He did on stage!

Jerry: It didn't start with me eating her cat, it just progressed that way.

Hunter: Dammit, I already used my conversation veto.

Ernie: [after digging through sewage to find hidden treasure] "Anybody got Prestidigitation?"

Donna: "I do.  Why?"

Ernie: "I've got to clean my booty.  It's covered in shit."

Alex: Oh hi, Goblins!  Is something terrible going to happen to you?  Oh what am I saying... Of course!  We're high-level adventurers!

Nick: "I'll go around and flush him towards you!"  Wait, I've seen Predator!  He'll just murder me!

Ryan: He must be pyrokinetic, because that was a BURN!

Ryan: "We just lost two of our own in the past 24 hours!  Hellfire and Rebar are dead!"

Phil: "What about Endbringer?"

Ryan: "Oh yeah.  And him."

Eli: The feather Avenging Eagle shot out slices through the guard's gun and into his shoulder.  You're pretty sure he's not using that again.

Nick F: The gun or the shoulder?

Eli: Rebar didn't escape; he was tossed in the dump.

Ryan: I'm going to count that as an escape for ego-sating purposes.

Hunter: Each hex on the map represents about 12 square miles.

Alex: You mean hectares.

Nick S: What's a hectare?

Alex: European.

Hunter: "Let me have the crown back!  Just for a minute!  I'll only summon ONE elemental!"

Dianne: Just the tip, huh?

Dianne: That idea is crazy.  So crazy it just won't work.

Tom: "What are YOU going to do about it, Old Woman?"

Nick S: "I'm only 27!  And I'm going to do THIS!" [vomits bees]

Karen: "I'm not sure I understand."

Hunter: "Throw unfinished crown in magic hole, universe go boom."

Nick S: Why would it explode?

Hunter: Because magic! Fuck you!

Tom: There're millions of elves in this city.  That's like asking for "Bob Smith" in New York.

Nick S: Don't you know the Law of Bribery?!  You bribe the guy and you LEAVE!

Eli: Jason, you have to actually say what you're doing; sound effects mean nothing.

Eric: "You have no sayings in this country?"

Nick F: "We do.  Thy're just good ones."

Phil: It'll take you one week o build the robot.

John: I can help.

Phil: Cut the time in half, then.

Ryan: I wanna help!

Phil: Add two days.

Eli: "He's really drunk."

Eric: "No, that's me."

Eli: "Two, four, six, eight!  I'm really bad at rhyming!"

Tom: I have no idea how to award you xp for what is essentially defeating Hunter's hat.

Tom: The crown flashes and you sneeze out a quasit.

Hunter: "I have the weirdest allergies..."

Hunter: [raises a group of enemies as zombies] "RISE, MY MINIONS!"

Karen: "Okay, somebody take that crown from him."

Tom: Do you guys have a plan or are you just going to sit here until Hunter's magic hat kills him?

Karen: "Remember when I said this was a bad idea?"

Hunter: "Remember when I said 'Shut your hole I'm making a crown'?"

Karen: "What are you making?"

Hunter: "A magic crown."

Karen: "What does it do?"

Hunter: "I don't know."

Karen: "What is it supposed to do?"

Hunter: "That is a much better question."

Ann: I keep failing by 1 or 2!

Hunter: Are you even adding your modifiers?

Ann: What? Oh... I succeed.

Tom: It grabs you and does 15 acid damage.

Hunter: This is the worst hug I've ever gotten.

Eric: Mercator just cast Dispel Pride.

Eric: I can't roll for crap.

Eli: You must be very constipated.

Eli: It's not gay if he currently has a vagina.

Eli: At least your life isn't as sad as the saddest man alive.

Jerry: Who's the saddest man alive?

Eli: Why would you want to know?  That dude's depressing.

Ryan: Did you watch RAW last night?

Jerry: No, I was eating cheesecake.

Ryan: [strange roots are growing out of his character's body] "I'm turning into a druid!"

Eli: "I think you mean dryad."

Ryan: "That too!"

Jerry: I will now attempt to overcome his stab resistance.

Hunter: He takes full damage, the fat, cumbersome bastard.

Eric: "FINE!  I'l make my OWN extradimensional space!  With Hookers!  And Blackjack!"

Eli: [character's name is 'Blackjack'] "I didn't agree to this!"

Eli: We were at least 30% sad as a group when you didn't show up last week, Jason.

Ryan: Approximately equal to one bereaved widow.

Tom: A Rod of the Snake seems dumb.  Who wants a stick that turns into a snake?

Hunter: I'd love to have one when we walk into one of those slave camps.  I'd throw that bitch down and be all "Let my people GO!"

Dianne: [sings] When a zombie comes along, You Must Punch It!

Dianne: "Sweetness and Light, Motherfuckers!"

Emileigh: We don't have a "Create Child" spell.

Ryan: We do, but it takes nine months to cast.

Ryan: I refuse to laugh at that out of spiteful rage.

Ryan: Gren had a weird bat-scorpion thing for an animal companion once.

Hunter: That was a special case and it was...

Ryan: Horrible, yes.

Hunter: Maybe the cleric has Breath of Life prepared; you don't know!

John: That would be a "No."

Hunter: Well, you're screwed.

Hunter: Salem's healing spell causes enough damage to destroy the vampire.

Jerry: "You cured him to death!"

Tom: So basically your spellcasting options are "Be a cleric and heal", "Be a wizard and throw fireballs around", or "Be a witch and vomit bees."

Nick S: Hey!  I can cast Lightning Bolt too!

Tom: Oh really?  Where do those come out?

Tom: "When 900 years old you are, something stupid you will have done, yes?"

Nick S: "No, I don't think it will take that long."

Karen: How do we get our own dragon mounts?

Tom: It starts when a mommy dragon and a daddy dragon love each other very much...

Tom: "He has been taken to Mor-Arg."

Hunter: Mor-Arg, the land of more Pirates.

Tom: "My name is [unintelligible]."

Hunter: "Did he just pronounce a parenthesis?"

Dianne: "I think it was an asterisk, actually."

Tom: This setting is pretty much a bootleg England.

Hunter: As the revenant kills her murderer, she falls to the ground, the driving purpose behind her undeath fulfilled.

John: Great!  What gear do they have?

Dianne: I'll use my mace.

Hunter: Mace is super effective against stalkers.

Hunter: You can be smart and cast spells or you can hit it with a stick.

Tom: Must be the wrath of god.

Ann: Which one?

John: A pissed off one.

Eli: "If we'd gone with my plan of just lying to the guards we'd be inside by now."

John: "Also, Nixon is our frie- party member."

Eli: "It's a wooden door!  Just knock it down!"

Ryan: "It's not my house!"

Hunter: Remember your flail is gone.  Do you have any other weapons?

Ryan: Yes.  My hatred for all living things.

Eli: An enema of holding?

Hunter: What is WRONG with you?  Enemas can only be enchanted to endlessly spew liquid!

Jerry: "What race ARE you, under all those wrappings?"

Jason: "Arguably human..."

Phil: "Crap!  We're no longer amusing to the racist nobles!  What'll we do?!"

Marin: "Song and Dance?"

Jason: He has an aura of racism.  He's like a Paladin, except evil.  And racist.

Phil: "We were discussing possibly dressing one of the party as a woman to try and lure the monster our of hiding."

Eli: "Don't we have actual women in our group?"

Jerry: "Not any good ones."

Ryan: Am I seriously the only one here with any tact?  I refuse to believe that.  I'm sitting next to Eli and I can practically FEEL his aura of scuzz contaminating me.

Eli: He deserves to be hit with a car until he dies.

Ryan: Hopefully that's only once...

Ryan: "I am not ridiculous because of the way I look!"

Eli: "No, but it helps."

Ryan: This is the first time I've ever had to roll for Fashion, AND I SUCK AT IT.

Eli: A level 15 Drunk doesn't get escorted anywhere but Out.

Tom: "I guess I'll take over this shrine and reconsecrate it to my god."

Dianne: "What if I want the shrine?"

Tom: "Why would you want a shrine decorated with skulls and blood?"

Dianne: "I wouldn't; I just don't want YOU to have it.  How would you reconsecrate it anyway?"

Tom: "I'd start by just filing off the serial numbers and writing my god's name in there."

John: If my flail doesn't work I'll just bite the damn thing!

Nick S: What does it taste like?

John: Regret.

Tom: When I get the ability to command undead I'm going to get a bunch of zombies and have them work at a Taco Bell as my slaves.

Dianne: How do you know someone isn't already doing that?

Tom: This one will be mine, is the point.

Hunter: On the mage you find a small bag containing a lock of hair and some used handkerchiefs, all belonging to the elven rogue you killed earlier judging by the monogram.

Nick S: One stalker pouch.

Hunter: Mummy Rot is a venereal disease for necrophiliacs.

Nick S: It's going to eat me!  Or make me a nest for its babies!  Both are bad!

Nick S: I'm not good at much else.  I put all my eggs in the "stab things" basket.

Phil: He fainted!

Hunter: But he can still use Fly and other HM moves.

Hunter: He used Tree Stride, as a matter of fact.

Phil: Just as I metagamed it to be!

Eli: Why couldn't you have metagamed it so he committed suicide by diving headfirst at the tree?!

Eli: You guys make me feel sad in my tingly places.

John: Get your hand out of your pants.

Eli: Use your fire breath!

Jason: I have acid breath.

Eli: You're USELESS!

David: Who wants to recap from last time?

Hunter: I have written down in my notebook that we are currently on SpookFuck Island, in the middle of FuckThisPlace River, standing at the mouth of a tunnel that will most likely lead us to nothing but an untimely end.

David: That's a fairly accurate recap.

Hunter: ::rolls nat 1, hurts self with new weapon the barbarian crafted for him::  "Why, Kull?!  Why did you put spiky bits on a crossbow?!"

Nick S: "It's my thing!"

Nick S: It's okay Donna.  You see, I'm the Meat Shield.  I do so much damage because my job is to give as good as I get.  Due to bad positioning your monk became the temporary meat shield, and we found out that these guys are really good at cutting meat.

Ryan: Dwarven marksmanship.  Makesmanship.  What's the craft for making things?

Phil: Do these rings bind to one specific person or can they be passed around like a prostitute?

Eli: Racism is delicious.

Ryan: I think you mean raisins.

Eli: Raisins are also delicious.

Jason: There are no stupid questions.  Except for most of the ones asked by this group.

Ryan: He's not a God-King known for giving hugs.

Hunter: The God-King replies "Reward you with what I think is fair, you say?"

Eli: He's going to say something like "Ha HA!  You get to leave with your lives!"

Hunter: The God-King of the desert nation is not giving you back your magic water fountain.  He does turn Dreamsand's shark tooth into a pearl of power for you.

Thomas: Erase "Decanter of Endless Water" and write in "magic shark tooth."

Phil: "Where did you find those coins?

Eli: "In your pocket."

Phil: "And you're a monk?"

Eli: "I dance a little too, but I'm better at stealing."

Ryan: What is Sense Motive in Pathfinder called?  Oh.  Sense Motive.

Tom: The flesh of the slain daemons begins to rapidly decay into a disgusting brown goo.

John: "Soup's on!"

Tom: Your mechanical claw rips off a chunk of daemon flesh.  You're not sure if it's important or not because the chunk is currently laughing at you.

Tom: The psi bolt hits you.  You're not sure what happened but your left arm won't move now.

Hunter: Critical damage:  "Arm No Worky."

Tom: You're lucky I rolled poorly every time you jacked into the system; the daemons had infected the computers too.

Hunter: I feel so dirty...

Hunter: What's the point of having a giant mechanical claw arm if I can't manage to crush people with it?

Tom: Well, you can open cans really well.

Tom: If it doesn't actually work that way, I just invented a new psychic power.

Nick S: Awww... This is going to be terrible.  Yep.  He's on fire.

Hunter: This is why mutants can't have nice things.

Nick S: What kind of universe do you think this is?  Everything either explodes or has a chainsaw attached to it!

Hunter: "So what if someone makes a dial that goes to 12?"

Tom: "I shoot the heretic for defying the proper schematics."

Tom: "I have grit in my diodes."

Hunter "I... I don't even know what that means..."

Tom: "Nor do you wish to."

John: "Say random shit like 'They're coming! Set off the mines!' "

Nick S: You can totally say that.

John: I just did!

John: He's not coming out?  I'll just let him bleed to death in there then.

Nick S: The second group's turn and... is that last remaining guy even still alive?

Tom: "Aren't you supposed to be helpful?"

Hunter: "No, we're supposed to be effective."

Tom: "Does that mean you're going to save us?"

Hunter: "That or burn you as tainted heretics; we haven't decided which is necessary yet."

Tom: "Don't open the door, Bob."

Nick S: "Like that's going to stop us if we want to come in."

John: "I think that thing's going to explode if we don't repair it."

Nick S: "Hmmm... we should look into that."

Hunter: "Hey!  Who's the Techmarine around here?  Him or me?"

Nick S: "You?"

Hunter: "Yes!  And I say... what he said."

Nick S: The Emperor's finest and we can't hit a rat.

Hunter: S.R.O.U.S.'s. Space Rats of Unusual Size.

Nick S: Are you trying to examine the rats?

John: Do that when they're dead!

Tom: You can't do that; you're still fighting off the effects of a Nurgle pie.

Nick S: When you're a Space Marine there is no spoiled food, just food.

Bryan: I rolled an 11.  I could have lost track of a toddler on a leash.

Ryan: "You'd better apologize; that little Muslim girl can fuck you up."

Ryan: "Weekend at Bernie's this for a moment; I need to go answer the door."

Ryan: "After this we're looking for rapists at the Burger King."

Ryan: If you're evading the law, why come here to Crystal City?

Hunter: Because The Law is dead.

Hunter: Rebar's the leader because of his down-home charm and core Southern values.  Incidentally, there are also no black people on the team.

Bryan: Why did you make my character racist?!

Eli: Nazi's are weird and creepy.  That's about all your crappy public school education ever taught you.

Bryan: Good enough for me.

Hunter: "You're a giant eagle-man strangling a woman in an alley and I'M the weird one?"

Thomas: You should have attacked the paladin.

Eli: Even when driven insane I only attack what I perceive as a threat.  The paladin has never proven to be dangerous to anything.

Jason: Go find a fire and die in it.

Jason: I mount my camel.

Eli: Step one, remove codpiece.  Step two, mount camel.

Hunter: All you know is that the statue puked blood on him and he started to scream.

Eli: To be fair, I'd be screaming too.

Eli: "It's been a while since I had to explain a room full of unconscious people."

Eli: "Nixon's lovable once you get to know him, it's just that none of us have gotten to know him yet."

Tom: This demon can't seem to figure out a doorknob.

John: That's okay; I'll open it for him next round and hand him a grenade.

Tom: The two hordes have merged to form a super horde.

Hunter: I thought we had antitrust laws to keep this sort of thing from happening!

Hunter: If everything is skulls in the Grim Darkness of the Far Future, how do they label poisonous stuff?

Nick S: They don't.

Tom: If they were important enough to be issued bayonets they wouldn't have been sent on a suicide mission against us.

Hunter: "Why do people always think I'm crazy?"

John: "The necklace of human teeth around your neck doesn't help."

Hunter: "I fear nothing save for the beast the Emperor has set to slay me at my appointed time, but this woman creeps me the hell out."

Tom: "The device has no buttons, else I would have pushed them."

Nick S: If you use that power too much it causes damage instead of healing.

Ann: Like chemo?

Nick S: Yeah, except not helpful at all.

Tom: ::sings:: "There was tech, on the hill, but I never heard it rusting..."

Tom: "And stay dead!"

Hunter: He really doesn't have any other options.

John: "There are guards."

Hunter: "Then kill them."

John: "I admire your straightforward approach to things."

Nick S: His flamer tank explodes and he ceases to exist in any meaningful way.

Tom: "If the tech is good it must be given unto the blessed OmniScia.  If it is blasphemous it must be destroyed."

Hunter: "So if you like it only you're allowed to have it and if you don't like it you break it so no one else can have it?"

Tom: "That is an acceptable approximation."

Ryan: Next thing I know I'm yelling at my TV like an old person, expecting something to happen.

Bryan: I didn't know disappointment was a letter.

Jerry: Only in the Jewish alphabet.

Hunter: Tentacles are for hugs.

Jerry: His superpower is dubstep.

Hunter: If you're going to try a career as a pro wrestler, be a luchador heel.  You could call yourself the Chalupacabra and get licensing deals with Taco Bell; your signature move would be to squirt Fire Sauce in your opponent's eyes in a grapple.

Bryan: "Why wasn't I told of this?!"

John: "Because I was busy being kidnapped?"

Hunter: If vigilantism is illegal, then The Law was breaking the law.

Hunter: "You're the priest, you take the head."

Tom: That's what the altar boy said.

Nick S: According to the critical table his arm is severed and he is stunned for... well, the rest of his short life, to be honest.