Hunter: "Are you going to do something disgusting again?"

Ernie: "... No!"

Eric: "We didn't want to drive out the dwarves, but evil things have taken over our homes."

Chris M: "I don't speak giant.  What is he saying?"

Tom: "Something about real estate."

David: He's a big man.  With big swords.

Hunter: It's not the size that counts.

Hunter: "Once we claim this territory we're hiring some dwarf sappers to cave this place in."

Erin: "Why?"

Hunter: "It's called the Hunger Dark. It can't be in any way good."

Erin: "We could clean it out and rename it."

Hunter: "Like what?"

Erin: "We can call this crevice the Happy Cleft!"

Hunter: "..."

Erin: "What?"

Erin: "But I have to protect you!"

Hunter: "That's Kull's job."

Erin: "... he's not doing a good job.  You're fairly depraved."

Nick S: "Hey!  I only protect him from physical threats.  Whatever he does to himself is not my problem."

Eric: The mages stand up and open their robes, releasing a noxious shroud.

Hunter: What, did they eat Taco Bell before the battle?

John: Are there any clan marking on these guys?

Hunter: Well, they all have white robes and hoods...

Eric: "You have to pay the toll to pass."

Dianne: "What is the toll?  Do you accept currency in the manner of 'Not killing you'?"

Jason: "I see subtlety will not be this group's strong point."

Tom: "Says the man with the flaming horse."

Eric: What you learn about their recent history is that they've lost 60% of their population due to wars over the past few decades and another is brewing.

Tom: Maybe we should be sending them Poli-Sci majors and diplomats instead of mercenaries...

Hunter: I'm a dwarven monk.  A drunken master to be precise.

Eric: So a normal dwarven monk?

Hunter: You RACIST.

Hunter: "Why are you here?"

David: "We were told to guard the sword."

Nick S: "You mean this one?"

David: "Obviously we failed."

David: He shouts "I give up!"

Donna: Kill him anyway!

Hunter: You're Lawful Good.

Donna: Dammit!

Nick S: "I'm not doing that; it has deep spiritual significance to me."

David: Are you talking about cutting off your penis?

Nick S: No!

Ernie: Just the tip.

Nick S: NO!

Hunter: "So you're just helping me become king so you can kill me and usurp my throne?"

Nick S: "Or until I find a Linnorm to slay single-handedly."

Hunter: "... Maybe you should leave..."

Nick S: Shouldn't that second elemental have tried to grab me?

David: Oh!  Right!

Hunter: Why would you help him?

Nick S: Live by the rules, die by the rules.

Eric: No means no.

Hunter: Except when it means yes.

Jason: But then "Bananas means no.

Tom: What?

Eric: I think that's his safe word.

Dianne: Well, since tomorrow is Frank's birthday, and Friday is mine, and I have this gently used cake...

Ernie: "I have some tuna for you."

David: "I'm not a real cat."

Ernie: "It's not real tuna?"

Ernie: My flesh turns into a swarm of fleas and climbs onto the giant eagle.

Nick S: "That's the creepiest thing I've seen all day."

Ernie: A swarm of spiders will carry my bones up there.

Nick S: "I take it back.  That's the creepiest thing I've seen all day."

Nick S: Normal, logical people don't become adventurers.

Ernie: Normal people have Intelligence scores of 10.  If they're logical, we're way past that.  We flipped off Logic in the rearview mirror.

Frank: So now that the bad guy has me, I assume I'm being turned into a zombie...

Eric: Oh no.  Nothing that easy and non-sadistic.

Frank: Well shit.

Tom: So there's a horde of zombies shuffling through self-checkout?

Eric: Past the Customer Service desk where all the self help books and keychains are.

Hunter: It's really creepy when one picks up a book and reads the back cover, then puts it back and resumes shuffling and moaning.

Frank: "I can't do much or talk 'cause the zombies are nearby."

Hunter: Can't talk, zombies will eat me.

Frank: I turn on my flashlight.

Tom: Surprise!  You're still at Home Depot.

Eric: You get swarmed by a pack of Mexicans.

Hunter: "You're a wizard!  Why are you buying fireworks?!"

Dianne: "Because it's fun!"

Eric: Hey, I have social skills!

Tom: Is that why you attacked the Fomor emissary when he came to parlay?

Eric: Eli's the only one who can ask for my sandwich.

Hunter: Then give me your milkshake!

Jason: But he needs it to bring all the boys to his yard.

Frank: "Is me shooting him calming him down?"

Chris M: "If you find children, leave them where they are, unless they're in danger then remove them from the building and come help us."

Amanda: "But I can only fly if I'm carrying a young child."

Chris M: "That's really... I don't..." Where is that defect in the book?

Bryan: I'm going to drive around the legs of the giant as I fire a grappling arrow at his leg.

Chris M: Are you Hoth-ing this giant?

Bryan: I am totally Hoth-ing this giant.

Chris M: "How many arrows did you put in him?"

Bryan: "How many legs does he have?"

Bryan: I gave up sweet ramps for Lent.

Phil: Once you [Amanda] are away from the bad guys, you could hide and he'd never find you.

Eli: To be fair, I could hide and you would never find me.

Chris M: No, we could; all we'd have to do is listen for the sounds of children crying and people being offended.

Eric: Somehow I thought you said they raid Apple Stores.  I was picturing a horse going into one and saying "There are no apples here!" then just smashing everything.

Bryan: This got gross fast, like at the speed of projectile vomit.

Chris M: He's not really a goblin; he's two really small midgets inside a slightly larger midget suit.

Phil: "You're part of our troupe, sir!  You're our archer!"

Bryan: "Yes.  What do you want me to arch?"

Eric: If you're having boss problems I feel bad for you son.  I got 99 problems but your death ain't one.

Chris M: I hate you so much.

Tom: You want me to tell you what my elf eyes see?

Hunter: Since when did you have elf eyes?

Tom: Since I took them from an elf, obviously.

Eli: My brain read that grape soda as "grapple flavored".

Eric: It's going to wrestle the thirst out of you.

Eric: "Why does everything happen at the park?"

Eli: "Vulture, do you know anything about this tree full of kids?"

Amanda: "Shhhhhhh!"

Eli: "We need Tiki to hit her really hard.  Right in the lady parts."

Eli: "Why are we putting dogs in tupperware?"

Bryan: "To keep them fresh for later, obviously."

Phil: He starts screaming.

Eric: Is it surprised screaming or injured screaming?

Bryan: Or is it "I need an adult" screaming?

Dianne: "Did you just say True Love 'beats off' White Court vampires?"

Hunter: ::sigh:: "God dammit I did."

Chris: "We're trying to figure out how to kill vampires and you tell us how to make their day better."

Tom: "I believe in God the same way I believe in France; they both exist but I don't see how that affects ME in any way."

Charlie: "Where is your brother, dwarf?"

Tom: "Which one?"

Hunter: The short one with the beard.

Hunter: You have downtime.  Talk amongst yourselves.

Frank: "Talky talky gabba gabba?"

Jerry: "I can't handle such deep conversation."

Hunter: If I convinced my wife to play RPGs we'd have to play something else, because she's not into superheroes.

Frank: Well to be fair we're not really superheroes.  We're kind of jerks and... kind of jerks.

Nick: Is your character going to get drunk before the joust?  Because that would be AWESOME.

Hunter: Who has a Cure spell prepared?  Because that was a BURN.

Hunter: I only need a 5 to succeed.  ::fails:: God Dammit.

David: A green dragon drops her spell of invisibility and attacks.

Nick S: Scandal!  It's almost as if she were EVIL or something!

Hunter: Greens are LAWFUL evil!  They're supposed to follow the rules!

Amanda: Her rule seems to be "Cheat."

Hunter: Well damn.

Tom: "Ram one of your drones into an exhaust vent!"

Eric: "I'm not sacrificing a 15,000 nuyen drone for this!"

Tom: "Where's your dedication to the run?"

Karen: "Where's his dedication? You were the one whining about having to waste an arrow!"

Eric: I'm going to roll to figure out where the chopper's vital systems are.

Tom: That's easy: Under the armor plating.

Frank: I'd comment on damaging the Johnson's package, but I don't think it would be taken so well...

Eric: "We could blow the sewers to block egress, but I don't want to damage the product."

Tom: "All of that just sounds wrong."

Frank: Can I roll dodge to avoid this conversation?

Jerry: The more you don't want to know...

Frank: The more you repress.

Jerry: I want to open a sandwich shop that also sells Indian food and call it The New Delhi.

Jerry: We are terrible people.

Jason: And worse fungi.

Ernie: "Ever notice how barbarians are always bragging about things everyone expects them to do? "I can read!"  Bitch you SHOULD be able to read!"

Hunter: How do you think I keep my wife happy?

Ernie; Shutting up and letting her spend the money?

Ernie: Guys put their dice down their pants to make them roll better.

Nick S: Um... No we don't.

Hunter: Don't judge me!

Nick S: Too late.

Eric: "I can't believe it's not butter!"

Tom: "Why not?  It says 'Soylent Yellow' on the side of the tub!"

John: You can go astral, but that leaves your body comatose.

Tom: We'll just shove her unconscious body in the windowless van.

Hunter: Because THAT didn't sound creepy at ALL...

John: They let everyone go but you.

Charlie: Because I was honest.

John: Because you're under arrest!

John: "Are you an investigator?"

Charlie: "Yes."

John: "What company do you work for?  Show me your license."

Charlie: "No."

John: "Why?"

Charlie: "I don't have one."

John: "Uh-huh."

John: "Are you willing to undergo some more thorough interrogation techniques?"

Karen: "I'm not up to being mind-raped by a weird machine, if that's what you're asking."

John: This ork is not long for this world.

Dianne: He has a red shirt, doesn't he?

John: After bleeding so much, yes.

David: You can't use Reincarnate on Donna's character because she was turned into an undead.

Donna: What?!

Nick S: Don't worry; we have your back.

Donna: You cut me in half!

Nick: We have your front, too.

Donna: You killed my character!

Hunter: Start crying!  If reddit has taught me anything it's that DMs cannot resist the tears of a female gamer and will save their characters from death!

David: She's my wife; I've developed an immunity to her tears.

David: The bones are moving slowly...

Nick S: "Maybe... maybe it's just happy little ants moving the bones.  Or puppies!  Happy puppies who found the biggest bones ever!"

Hunter: "If it's puppies, then they're hell hound puppies and the only bones they're going to eat are ours."

David: You fall into the lake of acid.

Nick: That's 10d6 damage a round, and we can't NOT fall in!

David: The module lists this as an appropriate encounter for a level 8 party.

Nick: It LIED!

Donna: Critical failure.

David: ::draws a card:: "Whiff: The attack deals damage to you instead of the target."

Nick S: That's not a whiff, that's a wham!

Nick S: So now what? We present our green scales or it shoots acid lasers at us?

Hunter: Don't give the DM ideas.

Hunter: "Don't step in the circle; it has a strong magical aura I haven't been able to discern."

Nick S: "What?"

Hunter: "It'll do stuff to you.  I don't know what."

Nick S: "There ya go."

Eric: If this gets any worse I'll have to use Lay On Hands on myself.

Eli: If you start touching yourself you'll never prove you aren't enjoying this.

Eric: You can still cast spells while on your back.

Charlie: That makes sense; the most magical women I've ever known were on their backs at the time...

Hunter: It gives you a bad touch.

Eric: There are no safe words in Uncle Touchy's basement.

Hunter: "Return whence you came, monster!"

Nick S: "I'll return you to your grave!"

David: "But we're alive, not undead..."

Nick S: "I've been locked away for decades.  Shut up!"

Brett: "If the water turns red, it means 'Help Me'."

Brett: "No, no.  The bartender fell down.  That's what we're telling the watch."

Nick S: "We'll cut up the rabbit and share.  Two of us each get a leg, and one of us gets the thorax."

Brett: "I don't think I want to eat a rabbit with a thorax."

Brett: Yes, I'm sure this will run like clockwork, except this will be a murder-clock oiled by the blood of heroes.

Rick: I can cast Resist Energy, not Resist Pirates.

Aaron: "This man was shot."

Ian: "He pulled a gun on me."

Rick: He's a noble; he gets money.  I'm a pirate; I get to spit on people.

Nick S: Running away is for pansies! I turn INVISIBLE before running away.

Rick: Statistically speaking I'm much more likely to lie better than I hid.

Jonathen: You've had to kill every ninja master you've ever had.

Rick: I didn't HAVE to kill them.

Brett: Rachel, don't pamper the Lord of Death.

Brett: That's the thing about evil friends.  They aren't friends.

Nick S: "What happened to being greedy but loyal?"

Jonathen: "I lied.  I'm also a liar."

Alex: The ooze seems sad.

Jonathen: I'll put some arrows in it to cheer it up.

Rachel: You mean the paparazzi aren't opera singers?

Ian: Hey!  I don't remember installing a self-destruct in those goblins!

Nick: "Can you put this somewhere it can't be scryed on?"

Matt: "Sure.  We have a special container for that."

Nathan: ::throws item in the fireplace::

Rick: "I see you have a potion there.  I could greatly use that potion.  Do you have any need for it?"

Jonathen: "Well actually..."

Rick: "How about you hand over that damn potion and not answer that question?"

Nick S: We looted him?  When did we loot him?

Brett: No, I preemptively looted him for when we loot him later.

Ian: Juntao has done this before.

Jonathen: Exploded?!

Ian: "He was attacking me, so of course I had to respond."

Jonathen: "He attacked you while unconscious and on the floor?"

Jonathen: You did kill one of Dracos' clerics in cold blood, then sold his soul to a devil.  Then blamed Dracos himself for it.

Rick: Well, I promise to never do it again.

Jonathen: Rick, you hear a voice in your head.

Rick: "Oh no.  Not again."

Jonathen: "Insolent fool!  Who do you serve?"

Rick: "Who may I ask is calling?"

Jonathen: "Die, motherfu- I mean, Hail, Glorious Leader."

Dana: I have Deflect Arrows.

Nathan: Well, you got hit 19 times.  Get crackin'.

Jonathen: "He was planning to blow up the hotel we were in."

NPC: "Why?!"

Jonathen: "He though he might have to kill a guy inside.  ONE GUY."

Rick: For some reason, and I can't believe I'm saying this right now, I'm not worried about the dragon.

Adrian: "I swore on the souls of my family."

BretT: "I hope your family knows you're a madman who's sent them all to hell."

Jonathen: My guy never forgets.  How am I going to explain that I forgot to pay these guys?

Jonathen: "All other forms of persuasion have failed.  Send in Frankie."

Jon: "All right!  You have until the count of three to answer all my questions or I start cutting off your fingers!  One!  Two! THR-"

Jonathen: "Frankie wait!!  You didn't ask him anything yet!"

NPC: "Come out with your hands up!"

John: "I'm performing surgery at the moment!  Can you come back in five minutes?"

Rick: I would comply, but I only have one hand right now and can't.

Nick: I rolled a 4, a 4, and another 4.

Matt: So you rolled an 8.

John: I never hung body parts from the ceiling!

Nick S: Just because you made a new character sheet doesn't mean you can change the past.

John: No, it's what I do AFTER I murder them that makes me a pervert.

John: I pull out, like, two tens and say "Maybe my friends whoever these presidents are can help you remember."

Jonathen: "Is Carl still alive?"

John: "Let me check." ::gunshot:: "No."

NPC: "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD HELP ME HELP ME!" ::gunshot::

Jonathen: "Hello?  Is this Emmett?"

Brett: "You're not trustworthy!  You sold your soul for a sword!"

Nick S: "Pretty sweet sword, though."

Nick S: Your party members are being slaughtered and you're looting my corpse.  God I want to stab you.

Nick S: Torture is not a social skill!

Nick S: She's a paladin; she doesn't care about glory.

Jonathen: She's not a paladin.

Nick S: Well okay then.

Jonathen: You're not in DC; you don't kill each other over shoes.

Nick S: Is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?  I really hope its a lightsaber...

Jonathen: Are those Jedi pants?  'Cuz your Force is outta this world.

Eric: I'm not even bloodied.

Frank: Shut up you... you tank!

Frank: No one likes him anyway; he has a stupid hat.

Hunter: Don't mind the paladin if he sticks his hand down his pants to lay on hands.

John: If he sticks his hand down YOUR pants, he's Catholic.

Eric: You take 40 emotional damage, 10 crying damage ongoing, and alcoholism.  Save ends.

Coley: "You're very pretty for a dwarf man."

Eric: Did the kobold just dismiss a dragon?

Eli: Yes.  Yes I did.

Eli: Rick is going to drunkenly ride a brahmin.  "I have a steed!  His name is Bill!"

Chris M: "If he's a dude, why does Bill have tits?"

Eli: "I have a steed!  HER name is Bill!"

Eric: You shoot him in the dick again and he dies.

Eric: I need you to make a Vigor roll to avoid catching fire.

Chris M: This could end up awesome since Frank's carrying all the explosives.

::one failed vigor roll later::

Chris M: You can just tell us we're dead.  You don't have to do the math.

Eric: ::rolls handfuls of dice over and over:: Yes I do.

Jason: "I'm sorry ma'am.  We're from the future and we have to kill you to save reality."

Luke: I'm going to slap him on the ass and give him a thumbs up as I skip away, because no one suspects a gay spy.

Hunter: You don't have to be flamboyant to be gay.

Luke: Right.  You can be a bear.

Chris: "We've all done interesting things."

Jason: "I murdered the universe."

Phil: "And now we're going to undo the one cool thing you did."

Eric: To be fair, it was Leroy that landed the killing blow.

Hunter: Jason started it!

Hunter: "Of course I'd like to save all of existence.  It's where I keep my stuff."

Hunter: "I think this means you owe Petrov some respect, Rick, because if this Guardian of Eternity thing is correct he murdered all of Time."

Chris M: "That IS pretty impressive."

Phil: "He didn't do it alone!"

Eli: "What the hell's a Canada?"

Hunter: "Canada use to be America's hat."

Eli: "No, Abe Lincoln was America's hat."

Chris M: "If you can control time and space, how can there be more pressing matters?"

Eric: "I was being facetious, you ass."

Eric: "I am a being of thought and energy.  I do not have a mother."

Chris M: "Not after what I did to her!"

Eli: "Who carries a briefcase around?"

Eric: "I dunno! Businessmen!"

Luke: "Who carries a briefcase in Old Town?"

Eric: "Somebody who wants to get robbed."

Phil: He doesn't look like someone addicted to drugs, but then you turn around and he's injecting cocaine directly into his eyeballs.

Jason: I'm going to roll to not be Shaken anymore.

Eli: Like a baby.

Jason: You can't unshake a baby.

Frank: "We love you Petrov, you magnificent bastard."

Eli: "No we don't."

Frank: "I love you."

Eli: "No."

Frank: "We hate you Petrov.  You make me vomit!"

Eli: "Took it a little far there."

Eli: "I haven't been to Reno since that time with Elvis."

Chris M: "Elvis has been dead for over 200 years."

Phil: (playing an alien) "Elvis is FINE. We've been treating him FINE."

Eric: You shake her.

Eli: Like a baby!

Thomas: I was going to say like a Polaroid picture.

Chris M: Babies are more fun.

Eric: The robed ones are all in a corner where Leroy threw them during the battle.

Hunter: "I put them in time out!"

Eli: I don't like how calm Eric is about this combat.

Hunter: I don't know about you guys, but I'll be fine.  Nobody eats Deathclaw.

Eli: "I'm from Vault 9."

Eric: "Never heard of it."

Eli: "Yeah, it's pretty underground."

Frank: Breakfast: The Tastening!

Eric: The new game from White Wolf.

Hunter: Gordon Ramsey is the enemy coven leader.

Eli: Punchersize!  It's an exorcism where you punch the demons out.

Tom: I've used up all my dick jokes for the day.

Eli: You've used up all your daily dick jokes?

Nick S: Might have to start throwing out some encounter dick jokes.

Eli: Spend an action point for some extra dicks.

Chris: I knew a girl in high school like that.

Ann: Surprise sex is always good!

Charlie: Sometimes there's cake!

Luke: Nobody rapes cows.

Nick S: That you know of.  100% of cow rape goes unreported.

Eli: It's like surprise sex!

Chris: Except that instead of confetti it's lightning and pain.

Tom: "Nobody's asking you to eat the dragon, just to not watch while WE do."

Nick S: Kobold chili is mostly rats and botulism.

Chris: That's almost the exact same recipe as Taco Bell.

Eric: He's made of rage and hit points, loosely bound in leather.

Tom: Screw it.  I'll just buy whiskey.

Eli: But that won't keep you warm.

Tom: But I won't care.

Nick S: "What's your name again?"

Eli: "Kespeskix."

Nick S: "Your new name is Special K."

Charlie: Which one is Nick fighting?

Nick S: The giant one.

Charlie: New plan.  I'm not helping Nick.

Eric: The druid's Fortitude is "Bear."

Coley: I need to memorize my shit.

Elias: Language.

Coley: What?  It's in the Bible.

Eric: The robot runs forward at his top speed of... ::consults a sheet::

Frank: Ridiculously fast for a Protectron?

Eric: After Leroy's wild attack, three are dead and three more are Shaken.

Hunter: ...

Chris M: You know you want to say it.

Hunter: "Nobody eats Deathclaw."

Chris M: I would like to take this opportunity to tell her she is one ugly motherfucker.

Eric: You somehow manage to grapple both of them at once.  One is Shaken by the experience; the other is just surprised.

Frank: "I'm sorry, Hector."

Chris M: "It's Esteban."

Frank: "I don't care."

Eli: They were trying to make a virus beneficial.

Hunter: Don't they watch movies?!

Eli: All they had were propaganda films about how the Russians were bad.

Hunter: You mean the Chinese?

Eli: They're both in Asia!

Jason: And Communist.

Eric: He has a weakness to shots to the head.

Eli: I should hope so; he's a zombie.

Frank: He just got punched in his sense of smug satisfaction.

Eric: You see a rattlesnake about 25 feet long slither out of the pit.

Eli: I'm going to ride it.

Eric: The large group spots you, but only because you're standing next to the glowing ghoul.

Hunter: I'm going to run into the crowd of guys in front of Chuck like a little kid plowing through seagulls at the beach.

Eric: "Who is attacking my camp?!"

Frank: "Me!  Sorry!"

Eric: One of them spots you trying to sneak into camp.

Eli: ::puts a finger to his lips:: "Shhhhhh..."

Eric: You realize that even if you put the Stealth Boy on the Deathclaw it only lasts ten minutes, right?

Hunter: That's more than enough time to kill forty sleeping people.

Phil: How many are there?

Eric: Enough.  Shut up.

Eric: He shanks Leroy with a combat knife.

Chris M: Guy's got some balls.

Hunter: Not for long.

Eric: You miss with the Molotov.  Now there's just fire behind Leroy.

Chris M: Great.  You just gave him something to cook his food with.

Hunter: Cook?

Eric: You need to find a way to disable this bomb.

Hunter: "Will hitting it help?"

Everyone: "NO!"

Eli: "I have scorpion hands!"

Eric: "You stay away from my patients."

John: "Go ahead and test his patience, though."

Eric: "Whatever we have is yours for doing us this favor."

Eli: "I want a pony, and a train set, and..."

Chris: "Ignore him."

Eli: I play with one of the radscorpion claws.  "Feed Me, Seymour!"

Hunter: 19 damage.

Eric: You kill the Mother Scorpion.

Hunter: "NOBODY EATS DEATHCLAW!"

Chris: This is going to be your catchphrase, isn't it?

John: "Watch out Leroy.  That thing might actually eat you."

Hunter: "Nobody eats Deathclaw."

Eli: "Look upon my work ye mighty, and despair!"

Jason: "I never should have slept with my sergeant's girlfriend..."

Eli: I built this character for Initiative.  And punching.

Nick S: "Can you track a spirit wolf?"

Charlie: "Don't know. No one's ever asked."

Hunter: "Someone just did!"

Tom: They look Irish, as if Ireland existed in D&D.

Chris M: So they're drunk?

Tom: He disappears in a puff of eldritch annoyance.

Eli: "How could you not tell me you were a superhero?!"

Phil: "How could you not tell me you were an alien power source?!"

Eli: "Are you on crack?"

Phil: "You know we can't afford that!"

Chris: I can just see their thought process now.

"He just offed two of us with one punch!"

"Then we'll attack him four at a time!"

"But he has two hands!"

"Well, fuck."

Eric: "Time for me to solder and weld."

Hunter: "But you're making a sandwich..."

Hunter: "The plan is this: You chuckleheads distract him while Newton wraps me in fucking SCIENCE!"

Tom: And why did this happen?

Hunter: Because comic books.

Tom: That sort of crap is illegal in Kentucky.

Jason: Also, Arabs are dicks.

::silence::

Jason: I'm talking about the horse breed, you assholes.

Ernie: My turn?  I'm going to poop in an elevator, because shit's about to go down!

Hunter: "I don't plan on letting a harpy into my bed."

Ernie: "You don't always have a choice."

Eli: "That's why it's rape."

Eli: "So the harpy wants to sleep with you.  Just ignore the bird parts and focus on the lady parts."

Hunter "No."

David: "Would YOU want to have sex with a cloaca?"

Eli: "She has a MOUTH."

Hunter: "A mouth full of teeth designed to rend flesh."

Eli: "Look, Paladin, just take one for the team already."

Tom: "I do not believe you!  You do not have the wet, tangy smell of truth!"

Chris M: We're trying to be diplomatic and they're all "Nooooo! We're mushrooms!"

Eli: "I don't have time for this!"

Jerry: "Obviously you do; you're still here."

Eli: I just want to go home and wreak unholy vengeance upon those who exiled me."

Chris M: "You know, I was almost sympathizing with you."

Jason: We had to change his name to Richard Caravan, because somehow "Wagon" was just as offensive as "Dick".

Eli: Are you doing anything else?

Jerry: Unfortunately.

Eric: Junk man isn't a superhero.  Just a weirdo with a huge mustache.

Luke: "Can I have a crab butler?"

Chris M: "No.  Your crabular privileges have been revoked."

Chris: "The Man Out Of Time is busy giving tact lessons to Impact.  I'm pretty sure Hell has frozen over."

Hunter: "So, New Guy.  What did we learn from this?"

Phil: "Nothing?"

Hunter: "Sounds about right."

Jerry: "Aurix, we need you.  I can't tell you how much it pains me to say that."

Jason: "I love you too, Miracle."

Eli: Since when is your character English?

Luke: Well, I'm a tree man...

Chris M: "You're a tree-man.  Legal things are not your forte; Mulch, yes."

Chris: I'm the Chinese Hulk!

Jerry: Hulk make cheap goods?

Eli: You can calm him down but he'll just be angry again in an hour.

John: "That's your power?  You're cantankerous?"

Chris: "I wish I could just hold things.  I haven't had a cheeseburger in MONTHS."

Eli: How do you EAT?

Hunter: We've asked this question repeatedly.

Eli: Miracle kills him

Phil: That's three Horsemen so far!

Chris M: Look if we're just killing people on horseback and keeping count...

Eli: If you hit it hard enough, it turns into Sarah Jessica Parker.

Bryan: But it's already a horse!

Eli: She is a LADY, Bryan!

Jerry: A lady Horse.

Eli: How can I describe this so Miracle doesn't just fly head-first into a wall?

Jerry: I have acrobats.

Eli: You'll need a whole troop of them.

Jerry: I meant Acrobatics.

Hunter: "Get togged to the bricks and dangle, people!  This situation's all wet!"

Nick F: "What are you SAYING?!"

Hunter: "Tell that G-man if he wants to bump gums at me he'll have to hoof it here and flash his buzzer."

Bryan: "I honestly have no idea what you just said."

Eli: "If you're asking me if I sold my soul, the answer is no."

Phil: "Great!  Next question!"

Eric: I set him down and tell him to have a nice day.

Eli: He weeps gently.

Jason: Does he smell like magic?

Eli: No.

Hunter: For some reason I heard "Does he smell like Meth?"

Eli: Also no.

Hunter: "Get your panties un-bunched!  I call all women 'Doll'!"

Eli: And 'Sexy-tits'.

Hunter: NO!  That's not CLASSY!

Chris M: "I can focus my energy into bolts."

Bryan: "That explains how you can cook, if not eat."

Chris M: "I'd shake your hand, but I don't want you to disintegrate."

Jason: "How do you EAT?"

Dianne: I was reading this article about students losing fingers in a game of tug-of-war.

Nick S: Who won?

Tom: The rope.

Eli: I named my cat Honey so I can come home and say "Honey, I'm home!" and then cry for 20 minutes because my life is a joke.

Jerry: I don't need a cat for that!

Jerry: So this guy says to me "Son, if you need to run home and have a quickie with your girlfriend you can just tell me."  I say to him "Does this look like the body of a guy who does ANYTHING quickly?"

Eli: It's like when you heat up a burrito so it's warm but not hot so you can have sex with it.  Actually it's nothing like that.

Luke: Nobody told me we were stopping early!

Tom: Don't worry.  We'll give you a pointy stick to fend off the pedophiles in the parking lot.

David: So our toppings are extra cheese, three-cheese blend, double pepperoni...

Nick S: It's a coronary pizza.

Tom: How does his opportunity attack ability work?

Nick S: Poorly for us.

Tom: Nat 1. The ogre looks at his rock as if it's defective.

Eric: He has igneous dysfunction syndrome.

Eli: VOLCANIC dysfunction.  Because he can't erupt.

Dianne: "Is Gnome-tossing wrong?"

Chris M: "If it is, I don't want to be right."

Tom: Enough racism.  Lets get back to murder.

Nick S: Did you just say "Skullfucker" type monsters?

Hunter: That sounds more like AD&D than 4th Edition.

John: Subtract 1 intelligence.

Chris M: The fighter really can't afford that...

Hunter: "This doesn't seem physically possible..."

Eli: "Maybe that's because you're stupid."

Hunter: "I've hit rock bottom.  The mentally retarded fighter just called me stupid."

Eli: 30.

John: It dies. Your strength goes up by 4 temporarily.

Dianne: 28.

John: Dies.  Your strength goes up by 2.

Hunter: 30.

John: Died.  Your intelligence goes down by 2.

Hunter: Fuck this noise!

Dianne: I want to make a check to learn its strengths and weaknesses.

Tom: It's a rock.  It's strong against scissors and weak against paper.

John: Thunder Chicken takes 11 damage.

Ann: Her name is Alanna!

Hunter: Thunder Chicken is an honorific.

Eli: "We thought you were evil..."

Hunter: "Fletcher, don't talk anymore."

Chris M: "Dammit somebody give him a coloring book to keep him occupied!"

Ann: Where'd the dwarf come from?

Hunter: Midgets-R-Us.

Luke: Isn't that just Babies-R-Us?

Tom: No.  Babies get bigger.

Nick S: One of the demons appears next to Devon.

Eli: No!

Nick S: Wait...

Hunter: You took your hands off the mini!  No take-backsies!

Eli: WHY are you helping HIM?

Tom: "Now that we've established that evil is evil but not really, why can't I wear the magic helm?"

Tom: Why is the forest suddenly on fire?

John: I dunno.  Plot.

Nick S: "Send Fletcher ahead?  Sure, I have no personal attachment to him."

Eric: I like the fact that we managed to destroy a middle school gym in all of ten minutes.

Bryan: Let's be fair; the Department of Education destroyed it a long time ago.

Eric: You know, wed totally kick this guy's ass if not for his massive upper body strength.

Eli: Everyone knows how to say "Fuck You" in sign language.

Jason: And thanks to Jerry we also know "abortion".

Phil: I can see Rebar starting a trophy room now.

"Here is the hand of the Zombie King.  And this is the helm of the alien warlord Zon-Kiir.  And this is the tong that someone threw at me when I beat Ares, in a pro-wrestling match."

Eli: The dead guy is still hanging around.

Jerry: He's just earning a living.

Jason: No, no he's not.

Bryan: I'm sorry, could you repeat that?  I missed that last part.

Jerry: Damn, I was so focused on acting angry in character I forgot what I was saying.

Eli: Why would Lex Luthor bother stealing 40 cakes?  He's a billionaire; he could just buy a million bakeries."

Jason: Because he's a DOUCHE.

Bryan: Why do you always insinuate my characters are racist?

Eli: They're always incredibly Southern.

Eric: "I'm going to be honest with you, Agent Colm.  I've reached a point in my career where I'm agreeing with a man who thinks it's acceptable to wear socks with sandals and a business suit.  I've hit rock bottom."

Phil: "Everything depends on Druid."

Eli: "We're screwed."

Nick F: "What's a Commodore 64?"

Eli: "Terrible."

Hunter: The street is lava; everyone stand on the furniture monster.

Jerry: "He's calling himself the Couch Potato or something stupid like that."

Eli: "I AM THE SOFA KING!"

Jerry: "I don't Chair!"

Phil: "I liked Hellfire better before he died and came back as Magus."

Hunter: "You take your Hipster bullshit and you GET OUT."

Hunter: "I can die a happy man.  I just witnessed Ares, the God of War, be beaten by a drunken muskrat."

Eric: I attack the Mirror.  Nat 20.

Jerry: If he breaks the Mirror, that's a lot of bad luck.

Eli: There's a muskrat in the punch.

Jerry: I wish I could say that surprises me.

Nick S: "Quit your whining!"

Hunter: "Hey!  At least YOU can heal yourself!"

Nick S: "Why don't you put on your big boy... bell, or whatever, Moo-Person."

John: They shoot at the minotaur because he's the most obvious target.

Hunter: Curse my height and bestial visage!

::After several people fall through a trap in the floor::

David: Do you enter the room?

Amanda: Fuck that.

Tom: In Pathfinder you're all murderers.

Hunter: No, you're adventurers.  There's a difference.

Tom: Yes.  Adventurer starts with an "A".

Eli: So we'll introduce the Man out of Tomorrow... Crap, too much talk about Dr. Tomorrow.  The Man Out Of Time.

Eric: The Man Out Of Tomorrow!  "What day is it? It's Tuesday."

Hunter: "I'm from WEDNESDAY!"

Ryan: Inviso-Bitch!  From the makers of... something else inappropriate!

Amanda: Big, pink, sparkly and it whistles?  Sounds like a dildo with a hole in it.

Amanda: "I will put you to sleep and I will TOUCH you!"

Ernie: It took me ten solid minutes of research on the internet before I realized the word was "underfed" and not "un-derfed".

Tom: ::punches a fish-man into unconsciousness:: "Tell it to Captain Gordon, Fish Stick!"

Dianne: How long have you been waiting to use that line?

Tom: Since we started this adventure.

Tom: "Apparently we're going to a hippy commune to look at unconscious people.  Wanna come?"

Dianne: "Uhh... sure?"

Hunter: You don't find any blood evidence.

Tom: She didn't pee herself in terror after that attack?

Eli: I'm not collecting that.

Eli: "Hello?"

Tom: "Are you dead?"

Eli: "What ARE you?"

Tom: "She's hyperactive, that's what."

Karen: "WHAT is so interesting about the Kardashians?"

Tom: "The Ass."

Tom: "If we start counting all the things I've punched to death we'll be here all day."

Eli: "You will not rejoin the circle of rebirth again.  This is your last life, George Bailey."

Ryan: "Damn!  And I'm all out of quarters!"

Eli: You don't hear screaming so much as the sound of a baseball bat hitting a wet burrito.

Eli: There's a woman who is very surprised about you throwing someone through her window.

Bryan: "Sorry, Ma'am.  Redeemers business."

Ryan: "Everybody freeze!  This is a drive-by rescue!"

Eli: You can't compare Charlie Chaplin and Hitler.  Charlie Chaplin didn't kill six million people!

Ryan: He did on stage!

Jerry: It didn't start with me eating her cat, it just progressed that way.

Hunter: Dammit, I already used my conversation veto.

Ernie: [after digging through sewage to find hidden treasure] "Anybody got Prestidigitation?"

Donna: "I do.  Why?"

Ernie: "I've got to clean my booty.  It's covered in shit."

Alex: Oh hi, Goblins!  Is something terrible going to happen to you?  Oh what am I saying... Of course!  We're high-level adventurers!

Nick: "I'll go around and flush him towards you!"  Wait, I've seen Predator!  He'll just murder me!

Ryan: He must be pyrokinetic, because that was a BURN!

Ryan: "We just lost two of our own in the past 24 hours!  Hellfire and Rebar are dead!"

Phil: "What about Endbringer?"

Ryan: "Oh yeah.  And him."

Eli: The feather Avenging Eagle shot out slices through the guard's gun and into his shoulder.  You're pretty sure he's not using that again.

Nick F: The gun or the shoulder?

Eli: Rebar didn't escape; he was tossed in the dump.

Ryan: I'm going to count that as an escape for ego-sating purposes.

Hunter: Each hex on the map represents about 12 square miles.

Alex: You mean hectares.

Nick S: What's a hectare?

Alex: European.

Hunter: "Let me have the crown back!  Just for a minute!  I'll only summon ONE elemental!"

Dianne: Just the tip, huh?

Dianne: That idea is crazy.  So crazy it just won't work.

Tom: "What are YOU going to do about it, Old Woman?"

Nick S: "I'm only 27!  And I'm going to do THIS!" [vomits bees]

Karen: "I'm not sure I understand."

Hunter: "Throw unfinished crown in magic hole, universe go boom."

Nick S: Why would it explode?

Hunter: Because magic! Fuck you!

Tom: There're millions of elves in this city.  That's like asking for "Bob Smith" in New York.

Nick S: Don't you know the Law of Bribery?!  You bribe the guy and you LEAVE!

Eli: Jason, you have to actually say what you're doing; sound effects mean nothing.

Eric: "You have no sayings in this country?"

Nick F: "We do.  Thy're just good ones."

Phil: It'll take you one week o build the robot.

John: I can help.

Phil: Cut the time in half, then.

Ryan: I wanna help!

Phil: Add two days.

Eli: "He's really drunk."

Eric: "No, that's me."

Eli: "Two, four, six, eight!  I'm really bad at rhyming!"

Tom: I have no idea how to award you xp for what is essentially defeating Hunter's hat.

Tom: The crown flashes and you sneeze out a quasit.

Hunter: "I have the weirdest allergies..."

Hunter: [raises a group of enemies as zombies] "RISE, MY MINIONS!"

Karen: "Okay, somebody take that crown from him."

Tom: Do you guys have a plan or are you just going to sit here until Hunter's magic hat kills him?

Karen: "Remember when I said this was a bad idea?"

Hunter: "Remember when I said 'Shut your hole I'm making a crown'?"

Karen: "What are you making?"

Hunter: "A magic crown."

Karen: "What does it do?"

Hunter: "I don't know."

Karen: "What is it supposed to do?"

Hunter: "That is a much better question."

Ann: I keep failing by 1 or 2!

Hunter: Are you even adding your modifiers?

Ann: What? Oh... I succeed.

Tom: It grabs you and does 15 acid damage.

Hunter: This is the worst hug I've ever gotten.

Eric: Mercator just cast Dispel Pride.

Eric: I can't roll for crap.

Eli: You must be very constipated.

Eli: It's not gay if he currently has a vagina.

Eli: At least your life isn't as sad as the saddest man alive.

Jerry: Who's the saddest man alive?

Eli: Why would you want to know?  That dude's depressing.

Ryan: Did you watch RAW last night?

Jerry: No, I was eating cheesecake.

Ryan: [strange roots are growing out of his character's body] "I'm turning into a druid!"

Eli: "I think you mean dryad."

Ryan: "That too!"

Jerry: I will now attempt to overcome his stab resistance.

Hunter: He takes full damage, the fat, cumbersome bastard.

Eric: "FINE!  I'l make my OWN extradimensional space!  With Hookers!  And Blackjack!"

Eli: [character's name is 'Blackjack'] "I didn't agree to this!"

Eli: We were at least 30% sad as a group when you didn't show up last week, Jason.

Ryan: Approximately equal to one bereaved widow.

Tom: A Rod of the Snake seems dumb.  Who wants a stick that turns into a snake?

Hunter: I'd love to have one when we walk into one of those slave camps.  I'd throw that bitch down and be all "Let my people GO!"

Dianne: [sings] When a zombie comes along, You Must Punch It!

Dianne: "Sweetness and Light, Motherfuckers!"

Emileigh: We don't have a "Create Child" spell.

Ryan: We do, but it takes nine months to cast.

Ryan: I refuse to laugh at that out of spiteful rage.

Ryan: Gren had a weird bat-scorpion thing for an animal companion once.

Hunter: That was a special case and it was...

Ryan: Horrible, yes.

Hunter: Maybe the cleric has Breath of Life prepared; you don't know!

John: That would be a "No."

Hunter: Well, you're screwed.

Hunter: Salem's healing spell causes enough damage to destroy the vampire.

Jerry: "You cured him to death!"

Tom: So basically your spellcasting options are "Be a cleric and heal", "Be a wizard and throw fireballs around", or "Be a witch and vomit bees."

Nick S: Hey!  I can cast Lightning Bolt too!

Tom: Oh really?  Where do those come out?

Tom: "When 900 years old you are, something stupid you will have done, yes?"

Nick S: "No, I don't think it will take that long."

Karen: How do we get our own dragon mounts?

Tom: It starts when a mommy dragon and a daddy dragon love each other very much...

Tom: "He has been taken to Mor-Arg."

Hunter: Mor-Arg, the land of more Pirates.

Tom: "My name is [unintelligible]."

Hunter: "Did he just pronounce a parenthesis?"

Dianne: "I think it was an asterisk, actually."

Tom: This setting is pretty much a bootleg England.

Hunter: As the revenant kills her murderer, she falls to the ground, the driving purpose behind her undeath fulfilled.

John: Great!  What gear do they have?

Dianne: I'll use my mace.

Hunter: Mace is super effective against stalkers.

Hunter: You can be smart and cast spells or you can hit it with a stick.

Tom: Must be the wrath of god.

Ann: Which one?

John: A pissed off one.

Eli: "If we'd gone with my plan of just lying to the guards we'd be inside by now."

John: "Also, Nixon is our frie- party member."

Eli: "It's a wooden door!  Just knock it down!"

Ryan: "It's not my house!"

Hunter: Remember your flail is gone.  Do you have any other weapons?

Ryan: Yes.  My hatred for all living things.

Eli: An enema of holding?

Hunter: What is WRONG with you?  Enemas can only be enchanted to endlessly spew liquid!

Jerry: "What race ARE you, under all those wrappings?"

Jason: "Arguably human..."

Phil: "Crap!  We're no longer amusing to the racist nobles!  What'll we do?!"

Marin: "Song and Dance?"

Jason: He has an aura of racism.  He's like a Paladin, except evil.  And racist.

Phil: "We were discussing possibly dressing one of the party as a woman to try and lure the monster our of hiding."

Eli: "Don't we have actual women in our group?"

Jerry: "Not any good ones."

Ryan: Am I seriously the only one here with any tact?  I refuse to believe that.  I'm sitting next to Eli and I can practically FEEL his aura of scuzz contaminating me.

Eli: He deserves to be hit with a car until he dies.

Ryan: Hopefully that's only once...

Ryan: "I am not ridiculous because of the way I look!"

Eli: "No, but it helps."

Ryan: This is the first time I've ever had to roll for Fashion, AND I SUCK AT IT.

Eli: A level 15 Drunk doesn't get escorted anywhere but Out.

Tom: "I guess I'll take over this shrine and reconsecrate it to my god."

Dianne: "What if I want the shrine?"

Tom: "Why would you want a shrine decorated with skulls and blood?"

Dianne: "I wouldn't; I just don't want YOU to have it.  How would you reconsecrate it anyway?"

Tom: "I'd start by just filing off the serial numbers and writing my god's name in there."

John: If my flail doesn't work I'll just bite the damn thing!

Nick S: What does it taste like?

John: Regret.

Tom: When I get the ability to command undead I'm going to get a bunch of zombies and have them work at a Taco Bell as my slaves.

Dianne: How do you know someone isn't already doing that?

Tom: This one will be mine, is the point.

Hunter: On the mage you find a small bag containing a lock of hair and some used handkerchiefs, all belonging to the elven rogue you killed earlier judging by the monogram.

Nick S: One stalker pouch.

Hunter: Mummy Rot is a venereal disease for necrophiliacs.

Nick S: It's going to eat me!  Or make me a nest for its babies!  Both are bad!

Nick S: I'm not good at much else.  I put all my eggs in the "stab things" basket.

Phil: He fainted!

Hunter: But he can still use Fly and other HM moves.

Hunter: He used Tree Stride, as a matter of fact.

Phil: Just as I metagamed it to be!

Eli: Why couldn't you have metagamed it so he committed suicide by diving headfirst at the tree?!

Eli: You guys make me feel sad in my tingly places.

John: Get your hand out of your pants.

Eli: Use your fire breath!

Jason: I have acid breath.

Eli: You're USELESS!

David: Who wants to recap from last time?

Hunter: I have written down in my notebook that we are currently on SpookFuck Island, in the middle of FuckThisPlace River, standing at the mouth of a tunnel that will most likely lead us to nothing but an untimely end.

David: That's a fairly accurate recap.

Hunter: ::rolls nat 1, hurts self with new weapon the barbarian crafted for him::  "Why, Kull?!  Why did you put spiky bits on a crossbow?!"

Nick S: "It's my thing!"

Nick S: It's okay Donna.  You see, I'm the Meat Shield.  I do so much damage because my job is to give as good as I get.  Due to bad positioning your monk became the temporary meat shield, and we found out that these guys are really good at cutting meat.

Ryan: Dwarven marksmanship.  Makesmanship.  What's the craft for making things?

Phil: Do these rings bind to one specific person or can they be passed around like a prostitute?

Eli: Racism is delicious.

Ryan: I think you mean raisins.

Eli: Raisins are also delicious.

Jason: There are no stupid questions.  Except for most of the ones asked by this group.

Ryan: He's not a God-King known for giving hugs.

Hunter: The God-King replies "Reward you with what I think is fair, you say?"

Eli: He's going to say something like "Ha HA!  You get to leave with your lives!"

Hunter: The God-King of the desert nation is not giving you back your magic water fountain.  He does turn Dreamsand's shark tooth into a pearl of power for you.

Thomas: Erase "Decanter of Endless Water" and write in "magic shark tooth."

Phil: "Where did you find those coins?

Eli: "In your pocket."

Phil: "And you're a monk?"

Eli: "I dance a little too, but I'm better at stealing."

Ryan: What is Sense Motive in Pathfinder called?  Oh.  Sense Motive.

Tom: The flesh of the slain daemons begins to rapidly decay into a disgusting brown goo.

John: "Soup's on!"

Tom: Your mechanical claw rips off a chunk of daemon flesh.  You're not sure if it's important or not because the chunk is currently laughing at you.

Tom: The psi bolt hits you.  You're not sure what happened but your left arm won't move now.

Hunter: Critical damage:  "Arm No Worky."

Tom: You're lucky I rolled poorly every time you jacked into the system; the daemons had infected the computers too.

Hunter: I feel so dirty...

Hunter: What's the point of having a giant mechanical claw arm if I can't manage to crush people with it?

Tom: Well, you can open cans really well.

Tom: If it doesn't actually work that way, I just invented a new psychic power.

Nick S: Awww... This is going to be terrible.  Yep.  He's on fire.

Hunter: This is why mutants can't have nice things.

Nick S: What kind of universe do you think this is?  Everything either explodes or has a chainsaw attached to it!

Hunter: "So what if someone makes a dial that goes to 12?"

Tom: "I shoot the heretic for defying the proper schematics."

Tom: "I have grit in my diodes."

Hunter "I... I don't even know what that means..."

Tom: "Nor do you wish to."

John: "Say random shit like 'They're coming! Set off the mines!' "

Nick S: You can totally say that.

John: I just did!

John: He's not coming out?  I'll just let him bleed to death in there then.

Nick S: The second group's turn and... is that last remaining guy even still alive?

Tom: "Aren't you supposed to be helpful?"

Hunter: "No, we're supposed to be effective."

Tom: "Does that mean you're going to save us?"

Hunter: "That or burn you as tainted heretics; we haven't decided which is necessary yet."

Tom: "Don't open the door, Bob."

Nick S: "Like that's going to stop us if we want to come in."

John: "I think that thing's going to explode if we don't repair it."

Nick S: "Hmmm... we should look into that."

Hunter: "Hey!  Who's the Techmarine around here?  Him or me?"

Nick S: "You?"

Hunter: "Yes!  And I say... what he said."

Nick S: The Emperor's finest and we can't hit a rat.

Hunter: S.R.O.U.S.'s. Space Rats of Unusual Size.

Nick S: Are you trying to examine the rats?

John: Do that when they're dead!

Tom: You can't do that; you're still fighting off the effects of a Nurgle pie.

Nick S: When you're a Space Marine there is no spoiled food, just food.

Bryan: I rolled an 11.  I could have lost track of a toddler on a leash.

Ryan: "You'd better apologize; that little Muslim girl can fuck you up."

Ryan: "Weekend at Bernie's this for a moment; I need to go answer the door."

Ryan: "After this we're looking for rapists at the Burger King."

Ryan: If you're evading the law, why come here to Crystal City?

Hunter: Because The Law is dead.

Hunter: Rebar's the leader because of his down-home charm and core Southern values.  Incidentally, there are also no black people on the team.

Bryan: Why did you make my character racist?!

Eli: Nazi's are weird and creepy.  That's about all your crappy public school education ever taught you.

Bryan: Good enough for me.

Hunter: "You're a giant eagle-man strangling a woman in an alley and I'M the weird one?"

Thomas: You should have attacked the paladin.

Eli: Even when driven insane I only attack what I perceive as a threat.  The paladin has never proven to be dangerous to anything.

Jason: Go find a fire and die in it.

Jason: I mount my camel.

Eli: Step one, remove codpiece.  Step two, mount camel.

Hunter: All you know is that the statue puked blood on him and he started to scream.

Eli: To be fair, I'd be screaming too.

Eli: "It's been a while since I had to explain a room full of unconscious people."

Eli: "Nixon's lovable once you get to know him, it's just that none of us have gotten to know him yet."

Tom: This demon can't seem to figure out a doorknob.

John: That's okay; I'll open it for him next round and hand him a grenade.

Tom: The two hordes have merged to form a super horde.

Hunter: I thought we had antitrust laws to keep this sort of thing from happening!

Hunter: If everything is skulls in the Grim Darkness of the Far Future, how do they label poisonous stuff?

Nick S: They don't.

Tom: If they were important enough to be issued bayonets they wouldn't have been sent on a suicide mission against us.

Hunter: "Why do people always think I'm crazy?"

John: "The necklace of human teeth around your neck doesn't help."

Hunter: "I fear nothing save for the beast the Emperor has set to slay me at my appointed time, but this woman creeps me the hell out."

Tom: "The device has no buttons, else I would have pushed them."

Nick S: If you use that power too much it causes damage instead of healing.

Ann: Like chemo?

Nick S: Yeah, except not helpful at all.

Tom: ::sings:: "There was tech, on the hill, but I never heard it rusting..."

Tom: "And stay dead!"

Hunter: He really doesn't have any other options.

John: "There are guards."

Hunter: "Then kill them."

John: "I admire your straightforward approach to things."

Nick S: His flamer tank explodes and he ceases to exist in any meaningful way.

Tom: "If the tech is good it must be given unto the blessed OmniScia.  If it is blasphemous it must be destroyed."

Hunter: "So if you like it only you're allowed to have it and if you don't like it you break it so no one else can have it?"

Tom: "That is an acceptable approximation."

Ryan: Next thing I know I'm yelling at my TV like an old person, expecting something to happen.

Bryan: I didn't know disappointment was a letter.

Jerry: Only in the Jewish alphabet.

Hunter: Tentacles are for hugs.

Jerry: His superpower is dubstep.

Hunter: If you're going to try a career as a pro wrestler, be a luchador heel.  You could call yourself the Chalupacabra and get licensing deals with Taco Bell; your signature move would be to squirt Fire Sauce in your opponent's eyes in a grapple.

Bryan: "Why wasn't I told of this?!"

John: "Because I was busy being kidnapped?"

Hunter: If vigilantism is illegal, then The Law was breaking the law.

Hunter: "You're the priest, you take the head."

Tom: That's what the altar boy said.

Nick S: According to the critical table his arm is severed and he is stunned for... well, the rest of his short life, to be honest.

Nick S: With the impact of your hammer, his head explodes like a ripe melon.

Jerry: Today, I take over Gallagher's job.

Nick S: It's okay; he missed you.

John: It's the potential not-missing me next turn that I'm worried about!

Nick S: A hulking brute approaches you with an axe; obviously some kind of mutant.

Dianne: How do we know he's a mutant?

John: He's not wearing pants.

Nick: The las bolt explodes his head, sending chunks of fried brain all over the slave children.

Hunter: Those kids are probably thinking "Fried brain chunks?  We get to EAT today!"

John: Armor piercing ammo is too expensive for us.

Tom: So is a wiffle bat!

Tom: ::brandishing a lasgun:: "Pedestrians!  Clear the causeway or I shall be forced to perforate you with this blessed machine!"

John: At least he warned them...

Tom: Well, since all the combat people have formed a conga line of death in the doorway...

Dianne: Kill-kill, kill-kill, kill, KILL!

John: "Generally, shooting guns at people is not the best way to kidnap them."

Eli: Despite your best efforts tonight, Bryan, you succeed.

Ryan: I'm not supposed to talk to strangers, and I have this sandwich..."

Eli: You fail your Will save and wander away from the store.

Ryan: That's a terrible way to do business.

Eli: Thay make Daredevil look handicapped.

Hunter: Techniclaly he IS.

Ryan: Avenging Eagle doesn't care if you hit him with your psychic attack!  Just catch the bad guy in it!

John: Endbringer can't read minds!

Eli: You're more than welcome to try and figure out who I am."

Thomas: "I could really not care less, honestly."

Eli: "There's no reason for me to believe someone is planning to break these people out of prison!"

Ryan: "I am a GIANT GOLDEN EAGLE MAN telling you a SUPERVILLAIN is going to break out MORE SUPERVILLAINS from PRISON.  What is there not to believe?!"

Hunter: "Dragons don't exist."

Jason: "Says the Grim Reaper."

Eli: She kills security guards.  It's her thing.

Wayne: "We did our best to contain it."

Eli: "We?"

Wayne: ::holds up fists:: "Me, Lefty and Righty."

Eli: You burst free.  It's almost like they gave birth to you through poop water.

Hunter: That's disgusting.

Jerry: That's Rebar!

Eli: ::sigh:: Even with your superstrength, you are somehow bested by a pile of rats.

Eli: Not going to lie.  You're going to drown in rats.

Eli: Newton gets hit by a wall of rats.

Thomas: Eww.

Eli: From behind.

Jerry A RUDE wall of rats!

Bryan: "Ain't nothing like a good ol' rat squishin' contest!"

Hunter: "One of us should go after Miracle."

Thomas: My character is still tailing her while invisible.

Hunter: Yes, but it's MY turn now.

Eli: Okay, that will hit him... wait...

Jerry: No take-backsies!

Eli: He's embedded in the car.  You're fairly sure he needs a hospital.  Or a mechanic.

Ryan: Well, our mechanic's dead.

Eli: You're right!  He CAN use Aurix's body like a weapon!  You shouldn't be giving me suggestions.

Jerry: Miracle is going to go get assistance.

Ryan: God help that guy if Miracle finds construction equipment.

Ryan: He failed his racism roll.

Jason: Phil's bound spirits are taking the form of Eva 01 and 02.

Phil: "Everything is going according to plan..."

Alex: What's the round time in this game?

Phil: 3 seconds.

Alex: I need a calculator.  Okay, I use a levitate spell to launch the Troll Adept at the dragon at a speed of Mach 3.

Thomas: TROLL CANNON FIRE!

Phil: The security guard pulls out a rocket launcher, levels it at the troll, and fires.  To your surprise, it detonates just before it hits and is revealed to carry super-high-density foam that slams into you, dealing 20 boxes of stun damage.  Roll Body to resist.

Thomas: I take nothing.

Phil: That should have wiped you out!

Thomas: And it would have if I hadn't maxed my Body stat out.

Phil: The stormtroopers fire at Thomas.

Thomas: And they will crit me just like every other group has.

Phil: Only three of them crit you this time!

Thomas: Well, that's one less than last time at least.

Alex: "Quick, behind the blast doors!"

::Jedi PCs tear through the blast doors::

Alex: "Quick!  Behind the next set of blast doors!"

Alex: Ethan, make a Fortitude save.

Ethan: 9.

Alex: You feel rage building inside you as the disease begins to take hold and spread.  You can take some medication to try and slow the disease's progression until you can get a cure or-

Ethan: I cut off my leg.

Phil: "We'll get you a replacement?"

Ethan: "Meh."

Alex: The missile critically hits your ship, dealing 140 points of damage after your armor.

Phil: The ship only has 120, but I can negate the damage with a Piloting check!  ::rolls:: Fail!  Good thing our droid can make a check too!  ::rolls::  Also fail!  Quick, hand me a book!  Only an obscure rule can save us from the cold vacuum of space!

Phil: "Grenade."

Alex: Did your character say grenade or throw one?

Phil: Yes.

Alex: The stormtroopers open fire, hitting everyone except Phil because he has evasion.

Phil:  EVASION!

Alex: Yes, Phil.

Guy: "I don't kill people."

Phil: You just murdered 15 stormtroopers.

Guy: Stormtroopers aren't people.

Hunter: As you draw your weapons you begin to feel sick.  Everyone roll Fortitude saves as a caster appears to your left, his invisibility fading.

John: What the hell?!  How come he gets a surprise round?

Hunter: Because he surprised you?

Ernie: Well, that wasn't supposed to happen.  I guess the new NPC that was supposed to occasionally help you will have to travel with you to keep you hidden from the dragon until you're powerful enough to deal with it yourselves.

Guy: "I don't trust him; he's hiding something.  As party leader I say we shouldn't travel with him."

Hunter: You are dead to me, Guy.

Ernie: Great job guys.  You now own a red dragon a monthly tithe of gold and magic items.

Guy: It's Hunter's fault.  We could have walked away before the dragon came if he hadn't kept attacking.

Hunter: If you ad thrown a fireball into the camp in the first round like I SAID AT THE START then they'd all be dead and wouldn't have been able to summon the dragon in the first place!

Hunter: Everyone still level 10?

John: I'm only level 8.

Thomas: But you have a +2 level adjustment.

John: Stop reminding him.

Ernie: As you study the door you see a subtle design carved into it that depicts a legion of souls trapped in eternal torment.

Hunter: Great.  We found an ancient DMV.

Hunter: Jason, since you were a kobold before there was only a small chance you would retain your original race by being reincarnated.  You are now human, and since the house rule is "new body, new everything" you are now also female.

Jason: That sucks.  All my racial feats are now worthless.

John: Don't feel bad.  They weren't worth much to begin with.

Hunter: This year's Broken Character Tournament is mine.  I have an AC of 215 against all types of attacks thanks to the epic spells I bought.

Phil: My character can ignore magical armor bonuses once per battle and permanently dispel them if he hits.

Hunter: Fuck.

Thomas: So if you're taking over the DM spot from Phil on Tuesdays-

Hunter: No you are not making a monk out of the large-sized homebrew race I have with a 15-foot reach.

Thomas: Your DM powers are significant.

Hunter: Anyone heard from Luke?

Phil: His phone's off.

Thomas: Wasn't he the one who called to tell us all the game was on tonight?

Hunter: Luke, as you hurry to catch up with your friends you come across a wagon full of goods in the middle of nowhere, pulled off to the side of the road.  As you approach, a merchant appears out of the bushes, obviously tending to a call of nature.

Luke: I kill him and steal the wagon.

Hunter: Out of curiosity, what are you going to tell your friends?

Luke: The truth.

Hunter: That you killed a merchant and stole his goods?

Luke: No, that I found this wagon in the middle of nowhere.

Phil: Ernie dropped out of the campaign.

Hunter: Who makes an adventurer who doesn't like adventuring, anyway?

Thomas: Ernie.

Ernie: Your patron, Jamus Feck, has loaned you a wagon.  It's old but servicable, his name painted on the side in faded letters, the 'e' in his last name almost completely gone.

Hunter: I'm going to paint a 'u' there as soon as he's gone.

Ernie: Wow.  There was only a 3% chance for you to crit yourself on that fumble table, Guy.

Zack: Maybe that's a sign from God that you shouldn't have retired your paladin.

Hunter: As you are scaling the tower, a creature resembling a giant octopus with wings emerges from the top and attacks.

Thomas: "It's a Mind-flayer demilich!  We're doomed!"

Adam: Rolled a 1 on your Knowledge check, eh?

Chris S: Great.  Half the party is dead.  Guys, you don't queue up to fight a dragon!

Phil: You find a ring of fire resistance.

Ernie: Exactly what my last character needed.

Asa: Your last character would be your current one if you'd bough one of those instead of those silly boots of gravity.

Hunter: Ohhh!  Burn!

Thomas: Ironically, that's exactly what Ernie's last character did.

Hunter: Asa, if you take more than 30 points of fire damage or critically fail a saving throw against fire damage the Helm of Brilliance explodes, releasing all the stored spells within on everyone within 60 feet of you.

Asa: "You are now my bitches.  Obey my commands or I blow myself up and take all of you with me."

Ernie: Wow, Hunter.  You've only been playing an hour and already your character died.

Guy: Hey Zack!  Somebody broke your record!

Hunter: My character has a Charisma of 16 and 3 ranks in Perform (Dancing).

Alex: You're playing a scantily clad female with a high Cha and trained to dance?

Hunter: Don't judge me!

Hunter: My turn first, eh?  I attack the rogue.

Ernie: Knights aren't allowed to attack a flat-footed opponent.  It's against their code.

Hunter: Rogues at this level can't be caught flat-footed.

Ernie: Touche.

Hunter: Asa, you successfully turn the goblin into a mummy cohort, but he is only smart enough to speak his native tongue.  Because of the spell he'll always understand you, however.

Asa: Damn.  I don't speak Goblin.

Jason: I speak Goblin.

Hunter: The only other alternative is to buy a Helm of Comprehend Languages for about 5000gp.

Asa: Nothing is too expensive to avoid talking to the sorcerer.

Phil: It turns out the 'survivor' was really a succubus in disguise.  The wards on your door turned her into goo when she tried to enter the room.

Hunter: I'm going to take this opportunity to have my drow hide in the cleric's room.

Luke: I'll just roll up a new character now.